Settling for chips and dip.

"Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." -1 Corinthians 10:23

My life brings cool analogies.....


So currently I'm eating tortilla chips with this hot dip, and anyone that knows me knows that I cannot stand hot stuff! I don't like peppers, and when I order burritos (my favorite breakfast) at McDonalds, I have to get MILD picante sauce! I hate the feeling of something being so hot that I automatically can't help making a "lemon face" (like I just ate a lemon!).

But right now... I was just hungry and saw tortilla chips. We don't have any cheese dip or anything less mild (I don't like them plain), and after seeing the chips, I really wanted some! SO I decided to eat the chips with this very hot sauce anyway. EVERY time I put the chip in my mouth, it tastes good, but is SO hot that I need to literally take a drink of my apple juice!

Can I just say that this reminds me of my own weakness? I often want things that look REALLY good, but in reality, they probably aren't the best thing for me. I have so many "tortilla chips" in life, but I know if I eat them, it's gonna hurt my mouth! It may, for about ten seconds, taste really good, but then it's just downright painful.

A bridge under construction.

Today is day SEVEN of my boy fast, and it's already been fun to see the changes! I have to admit, I have been a bit lonely, but I've seen myself become so much stronger. For some reason I've gotten so many texts from guys recently, but I've been doing well at keeping my boundaries. Ironically enough, I've noticed how much easier it is for me to deal with schoolwork, music, friendships, and all of those things when there aren't all these guys (not friendships, but "flings") around. Yet I think sometimes it'd just be so much easier if I had a guy in my life!

There's another distorted thought! "My life would be better if a guy was around!" Not many people want to admit this, but I believe that's a common thought. People really think life is/would be better/easier/happier with a significant other around.

I just don't buy it. Significant others are GREAT! It's wonderful to have someone to share your life with, cuddle with, spend time with, all of that! BUT life is NOT "better/easier/happier" with them. It's JUST as good without them. It's ALL about how you deal with your life and all about how well you can handle things [independantly/with God].

[[And they tell me to breathe easy for a while..

November 14th, 2011 was the first official day of my 6 month boy fast. I have decided to keep my mind off of pursuing any romantic relationships or even just having these things I call "flings" for 6 months! This will be difficult for me because the main thing I really desire is to have someone to talk to about everything and someone that can be there for me when I'm dealing with certain things, ie: the fact that my one dog, Murphy, will be put down quite soon.

I told my counselor about my fast, and she noticed the mood change that I've had. She gave me a challenge last week to spend time with more girls instead of my guy friends, and it made a significant difference! I got to hang out with my cousins all weekend, Skype a good friend of mine for a few hours, and go out for coffee with one of my favorite PBU girls! I really enjoy being able to have some girl bonding, even if it's just over Skype (CELESTE!!). I need more of that!!

Rewind.... As I said, I was struggling a lot after last semester. This summer was fun, but it was also very hard. There were things I wasn't proud of and things I wish I could take back. I went into this semester doing so well. I was focused in my classes, and I had a more positive outlook on life, but as the semester went on, things started to wear on me. My anxiety came back full-force, and I constantly battled myself until I ended up with bad choices.

As those things happened, my counselor gave me six things I was to work on: waiting, long suffering, steadfastness, self-control, slowing down, and self-soothing. I found it extremely difficult to be patient, to not be impulsive, to not fight with people, and to deal with my anxiety/depression in an appropriate and healthy way. That's something that has changed signifcantly.

With these things, I've found that I am more impulsive, fight-seeking, and dependant when it comes to boys (obviously). I get attached and pull away extremely quickly, consistently fulfilling my self-prophecy of "no one can handle me; everyone always leaves". My mood swings get that much worse, and my up/downs become constant downs.

I more recently got very attached to a boy I was sort of seeing for a few weeks until he decided to pull out of it. I was so distraught and really tried to convince myself I wouldn't find someone that could really love me.

With this six month fast, I have a whole list of goals. One of my goals is to significantly change these mood swings. My counselor explained to me something profound: you can't change how you feel, BUT you can change how you deal with it. I can't change being in a high or a low, but I can change how I react to being in a high or a low. Often times I will be in such a high (which my counselor says I'm lucky because some people never get that high), but then I know that soon enough I'll be very low again. This pattern becomes that much worse when I'm seeing someone. SO my hope is that I'll take this time to straighten out some of those mood swings and be able to deal with the "low" ends without needing a boy right there with me.

My main thing is to get refocused. I want to focus more on:
-God
-maintaining better relationships with people
-myself & dealing with everything/my physical, spiritual, emotional health
-my music
-school
-my next mission trip

Here’s a break down of some of those:

GOD:
I’ve been consistently talking to God about everything and am really happy to get back into Bible studies and whatnot again. That’s why I hope to be writing my studies in this blog pretty often, and I hope you will all read them!

RELATIONSHIPS:
[rant]
Currently my friendships aren't on a very deep level due to my bitterness. Over the past few years (more so the past year), I've heard this "gossip" being said about me in Christian settings. I've never been more talked about than within church members. This shouldn't be at ALL. Unfortunately, it happens, and I know that I'm not perfect either, but I've really tried not to get involved in that. In my case, things I have said in confidence within smaller groups that I've trusted have gotten out and been repeated (which was totally unnecessary). I've heard rumors being said about me, in which case I have no clue where they came from. I've had people tell me directly inappropriate things that have been said about me which came from people I called my friends.

I've been completely disrespected in these settings, and it's really caused me to look at how I interact with people and how discerning and careful I have to be in these relationships. Sometimes I open up too much too soon to the wrong people. I'm getting better with this, but it's still a struggle now to open up at all. I've wanted to stop trusting everyone because I know the common view of me is "difficult" and "too much". People appreciate my honesty and me being myself to the fullest extent UNTIL they see something they don't like, whether it be my outgoing nature, my openness to talk about the 'unmentionable' things, or my sincerity about life. I really stir things up in people's minds, so much so, that they have to "stay away from Allie Pisarro".

If you can't handle the craziness and honesty I have to offer, I absolutely got you. Sometimes I can't, either, but if you don't, it is unnecessary to tell the world that.

ANYWAY, that was just a bit of a rant... [/rant] I've just really been trying to open up to the right people and really learning to trust and be vulnerable in steps. It's been really cool to see this unravel in my life, and I've really appreciated the friends that I do have that support me in that. I can be very negative and black&white, so it shows me one of my distorted thoughts of "I just cant be friends with anyone because no one can deal with me" is false.

MYSELF:
Basically, I really want this time to just be me healing and picking up all the pieces and, with God's help, putting them back together again. I need to make things right, and I need to deal with everything. I need to let certain things go while also letting certain things in. I’m just not ready for romantic stuff right now.

MUSIC:
With that, my music has been going really well recently. I've had a few amazing churches ask me to play my songs in their services (I played at Grace Community in Philly last weekend!), I've been playing coffeehouses (and people there actually know who I am because of my music!), and even Chick-Fil-A (in Neshaminy) asked me to come and play music in their store for the holidays!! How incredible is that?! I've also gotten the chance to lead worship for different ministries, sing at our Ecuador fundraiser events, and even got some money playing at a flea market (I made more money playing than selling!!).

God has given me such huge opportunities that I NEED to take advantage of! These could jump-start whatever career I end up hopefully having in music, and it has given me such a chance for outreach and ministry. With my focus off of relationships with guys, I have much more time to write, sing, and find inspiration in God!

There are more exciting things that I can write about in this category, but I'll just stick with telling you to keep checking out my youtube & Facebook musician page for details.

NEXT MISSION TRIP:
In only a month and a half, I will be traveling to Ecuador with the best team I have ever been on for two weeks. We will be doing a variety of things like working with kids, going to orphanages, and doing service projects. Our team consists of two leaders and six students. We are intimate, personal, and have spent so much time together I consider them family. We have done multiple fundraisers together, and each one has not only been a huge success (raising over $600), but we have all become so close. I’m MORE than excited for this trip, but we still have lots of prepping!!




My counselor asked me, “Allie, what do you hope to get out of this?” Well, in the end, I’d like to feel accomplished. I’d like to know that if anything were to happen, I’d be ready for it. It’s almost like I’m in training, and this is a good motivation for me to get refocused. I want to spend this time becoming who I want [and need] to be.

When Celeste first told me about this fast, I was like, “no way!”, but for some reason, three months later, I just felt like I needed it. I guess it was a God thing! I’m just in a place where I’d really like to figure out who I am with no distractions and an official reason to give myself this time… to myself!

Celeste gave me some pretty specific boundaries she set, so I’m going to try my hardest to keep them. I really just want to stay away from any kind of dating relationship for the next six months.

I will hopefully be updating you weekly, if not daily, on my progress & most likely loss of strength (hahaha) during the process. I hope you’ll go on this journey with me by reading my blog and keeping this challenge in your prayers. I’m ready to see what He’ll teach me…

Okay, God… Here we go…

The heart: the only broken instrument that works.

It’s almost been a year since my last post on here. How crazy is that? I find it even crazier that the last post I wrote about was being single, when that was the farthest thing from what I was this past year.

As I had said in that post, I was quite content with being single. I didn’t have anyone I really liked or was attached to, so it was easy to be without a significant other.

What’s funny is how God always drops someone on your lap when you aren’t looking. Literally not even a week after that last blog post, I started talking to a boy I never thought I would date. We worked together two years earlier and hadn’t kept in very good touch since then. I had him on Facebook, and one night, I saw he was online and decided to message him. I never really messaged anybody, so it was really random for me to just decide to see how he was.

After talking for a good amount of time, we decided to hang out. That hanging out ended up in a relationship- a relationship we both made mistakes in, a relationship that meant a lot to me.

It got very serious very fast and ended just short of seven months. I was absolutely devastated and didn’t understand why God could let that happen to me… again. You see, this isn’t the first time I’ve been told I was loved, needed, and taken care of when, in reality, the person wasn’t sure exactly what they felt. After years of those relationships, I stopped trying to be in relationships and pushed more people away because of it. I only had “flings” that didn’t last more than a month or two, and sometimes I hurt the people I liked at those times. I never wanted to be hurt the way I was in the past, so I felt like a total idiot for making the same mistakes but worse this time.

I just kept thinking how I should’ve seen this one coming. I’m going to be twenty years old this summer, yet I’m not ever going to reach an age where I’m invincible. Thinking, “oh, that wouldn’t happen to me”, or “no, that wouldn’t happen again” was quite naïve, and I think I even knew that the whole time. Despite any sense of warning or conscious, I let myself make those mistakes, and I’m really paying for them now.

During hard times like these, people will tell us or we will tell ourselves that God is using all this hard stuff for a reason. He’s doing something. He’s making us grow. He’s making us stronger. He’s got a plan for our lives, and we only see such a small piece of that big puzzle.

After all, Romans 8:28 says, “Everything works together for the good of those who love Him.”

And yes, I’ve seen some of that good. Through all of this, I have, in fact, learned. I have grown. I have learned more about myself and about relationships. I’ve gained perspective, and I’ve definitely gotten stronger. My relationship with God suffered, but is healing. I am healing.

But I just wish God would use some other way sometimes. Still, I guess no matter the circumstance, it would always hurt. Even if he used any other circumstance in my life, it would probably hurt just as much.

I want to tell you that I’m not at all bitter, but I’m shooting for honesty here. It’s hard not to be. I really wanted to fix the mistakes that I made, and I always thought that I could do that by keeping the relationship. I guess that wasn’t necessarily true because the way that I am truly loving him right now is by letting him go. It hurts a lot still, and I miss him so much, but I know that this is what he and God want. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about him, but God has already brought a lot of healing.

When a relationship ends, it really is like someone has died in your life. The person you used to spend so much time with, used to know so well, and used to love so much, is no longer that same person. That person you loved has died and left you with just “memories”. That’s the bad part about memories… they’re just memories. You can’t bring them back.

Who I really want to read this blog post are the people who are going through this or have recently gone through this same thing. I want the people who are broken-hearted and lost to find some encouragement in my story.

Since February I’ve collected songs to put into what I guess can be considered a “broken heart album”. There are more, but recently these are the top 10 songs with lyrics that have really pierced my heart:

-----------------------------

I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore...
I don't know your face no more;
It's just the place I'm looking for....

I don't know your thoughts these days.
We're strangers in an empty space...
I don't understand your heart-
It's easier to be apart??

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world...
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time...

We might as well be strangers
For all I know of you now....

[Keane- “Strangers”]

-----------------------------

And I watched your footprints making patterns
Away from me into the snow…
Now I don't believe in nothing anymore.

So lately I've been going crazy
Trying to get you off my mind
Cause thoughts of you hang just like pictures
And gather dust over the time..

We hung them up just like real lovers
And drove our nails into the wall
Cause we thought they'd be there forever...
But we weren't permanent at all.

And it's getting much too hard to see it now...

Cause love is permanent, not temporary,
It's driven straight into our chest
And buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden...
It's permanent...

[Colbie Cailiat & Jason Reeves- “Permanent”]

-----------------------------

How we play fight as we dance slow,
The smile you make saying ‘yes’ meaning ‘no’
Is so grey, so faint...
The words stray in your mouth with an ache.

I’m standing in water with the light on my shoulder,
The weight of doubt turned me to glass.
I’m through living in question, dreaming the answers...

No more paving the present with pain from my past.

I will let you go…

[Daniel Ahearn- “I Will Let You Go”]

-----------------------------

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists,
and I whisper "why can't you love me? I'll change for you;
I'll play the part..."

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely,
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me,
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too...

He said I'm sorry, so sorry,
I am sorry...

[Maria Mena- “Sorry”]

-----------------------------

Let's talk this over; it's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did; was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead...

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared,
And making me feel like I was the only one.
It's nice to know we had it all;
Thanks for watching as I fall,
And letting me know we were done..

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it...

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away-
All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending..

[Avril Lavigne- “Happy Ending”]

-----------------------------

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...
I had hoped you'd see my face
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over...

Please don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead...."

[Adele- “Someone Like You”]

-----------------------------

I still remember the look on your face-
Lit through the darkness at 1:58...
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away?

That July 9th, the beat of your heart-
it jumps through your shirt;
I can still feel your arms....

But now I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don’t know
How to be something you miss

Never thought we’d have a last kiss..

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe...

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day,
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed.
We can plan for a change in weather and time,
But I never planned on you changing your mind....

[Taylor Swift- “Last Kiss”]

-----------------------------

I go about my business, I'm doing fine....
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line?
Same old story, not much to say...
Hearts are broken everyday...

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on;
I know you hate it when I leave the light on.
I pick a book up, turn the sheets down,
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around...
Put on my pjs and hop into bed..
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead

Cause you were meant for me,
and I was meant for you...

[Jewel- “Meant For You”]

-----------------------------

I've run out of complicated theories, so now I'm taking back my words,
and I'm preparing for the breakdown...
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you, and the bathroom's still a mess...
Remind me why we decided this was for the best.

Because I miss you love,
I miss you love...

Don't act like you don't know me.
It's still me, I never changed...
I'll be here when you come back...

Because I miss you, love...

[Maria Mena- “I Miss You, Love”]

-----------------------------

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then…

If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on ,
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just want to see you back at my front door

[Taylor Swift- “If This Was a Movie”]

-----------------------------


Last night my best friend, Sherry, caught me crying in the middle of the night. “Do you do this every night?” she asked me.

“Sometimes,” I told her.
The truth is, sometimes I just need to cry and remember and hurt.

Sometimes we have to grieve. I don’t dwell on it like I used to when it first happened, but there will be times when I just feel it in my chest. There will be times when a smile in a picture or a line in a song or words in a letter really make my heart hurt.

It really sucks to feel that kind of pain, and all of us have to wonder why we have to go through it. Sometimes I’d really like to know why God’s letting this stuff happen, but I do just have to trust that it’s part of a plan that I don’t quite understand. Through all of it, I am stronger, and I am learning, but I really hate God’s choice of process on this one.

There’s a song called “Blessings” by Laura Story [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ] that basically talks about how God uses the storms and tears and difficult times as blessings in disguise. It’s a wonderful song, but it’s really hard to believe when you are going through that difficult time. If you are going through a hard time, though, just remember one thing: God’s holding you together. You may feel like a mess, you may feel like everything is falling apart, and you may feel like you aren’t going to make it through all of this, but I can tell you from this experience that God’s got it under control.

A specific day a few weeks ago, I realized that I had to let my ex-boyfriend go. I had so much I wanted to say to him (not bad stuff), but I knew it was best to just let him move on. I was absolutely hysterical. I mean, this past semester, I have gotten sick from this whole thing. I have cried so much that I’ve thrown up. I’ve had purple and green hands from the stress. I’ve had so many problems eating and sleeping. Yet I can tell you right now I never felt as sick as that day. I had never had to do anything so hard in my entire life. It was the worst feeling in the world.

I went to get into my car with tears streaming down my face. I drove not even twenty feet when I stepped on my brakes to see a gigantic rainbow in front of me, a sign of God’s promises. [picture: http://i52.tinypic.com/281gdah.jpg] In fact, there was a double rainbow in perfect view. I got back into the car, asking what God wanted from me. I turned on my car and a song called “Hold Me Together” by Royal Tailor [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEzas-F_aKA] started playing. The song talked about how God can hold us together when we’re falling apart. That simple song absolutely broke me down, and I realized that this whole time, I had made other things my foundation.

When a storm comes and everything is swept away with the waves, what remains? What foundation remains? When building my foundation on things made out of sand, it all has gotten swept away. Yet when I put my hope and my trust in God, I have a rock, a firm foundation that won’t be swept away.

It felt like everything in my life had been swept away. The most important person in my life, a person I loved and wanted to marry, was taken away from me, and I couldn’t understand it. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand it. But I don’t need to.

What I need to remember is that I’m being held together by an incredible and powerful God whose love will never fail. I may have people come and go into my life that pretend, lie, or hurt me, whether intentionally or not. I may have people whose love fails or is lacking, but God’s never does.

Recently I’ve been asking people who have gone through a break up what happened to end their relationship. I ask this, not only out of curiosity and concern, but also to know that I’m not alone, as well as how the other person has handled their break up. It helps me to cope, too.

I’ve heard this excuse about “not being in love anymore”, and it’s really a frustrating excuse because simply of 1 Corinthians 13:8. I guess I’ve realized that God really is consistent in this one. HIS love doesn’t fail, even when we say ours does. He has a true, genuine, self sacrificial love that goes on forever. He wouldn’t leave or “divorce” us or end a friendship with us.

It’s hard because we want a person that we can cuddle and talk on the phone with and take care of. We want that physical person in our lives. But remember that we don’t NEED to have a significant other to be happy.

A lot of my friends (at least 15 of them) have gotten engaged these past few months. It’s been hard because this has happened right after I got broken up with. Yet I am happy for them. They are sooo blessed to have found that physical being they can spend their lives with.

It isn’t bad to have a significant other in your life, but as I said almost one year ago in my last post, it isn’t bad not to! We often make relationships a foundation, and they often fail us.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, make God your foundation. If you do, you won’t be disappointed. If you don’t, you’ll find that whatever else you made your happiness wasn’t really worth it in the end.

Allow God’s love to be enough for you, and allow Him to hold you together in the midst of storms, trials, and heart breaks.

One last thing I want you all to know is that the person I dated is a very wonderful man. He may not have done everything the right way, but he has a very big heart, and I was really blessed to call him my best friend for as long as I did. (I would hope that it’s okay that I’m writing all of this, as well.) I love him, and I still care so much about him.

This past year I started my second counseling session. My first counselor left my school after about four months or so of counseling me, so I just didn’t go back until this past September to a new counselor, who helped me so incredibly much. At our last counseling session she said to me, “during our time together, you didn’t get everything right… but you had the heart to want to.”

I didn’t get everything right, but I’ve learned, and I’ve grown. I’m still learning and healing through everything. God is still writing my story.

He writes more everyday.


“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18


<3

Not gonna write you a love song.. Just a love blog!

So this week was pretty uneventful compared to last week. It's been almost a month and a half since I've been home from school, and I haven't done much that's productive... but honestly, who cares about productivity right now? It's SUMMER!

Tuesday I literally did nothing. I'm pretty sure I woke up at 5, ate, showered, and then went on the computer the rest of the night talking and blogging and whatnot. Last night I went to Steff's and scrapbooked for a little until meeting up with Garrett at Medport. I actually got FOOD this time! I took a risk and got pasta (hey, it's a risk eating pasta at a diner when you're Italian). We just sat and talked and ate for a while then decided to go back to Garrett's. Me & Garrett had tickle fights (and he knows I always win them) and we watched a little bit of Bruno, which was pretty gross. We still had fun, though. Then I slept over Steff's and continued to scrap book while she slept.

Today I woke up at 3 because Steff made me wake up!! We watched some TV until I went home to get ready. Thennnn I went to Mary's house for a girls night... but it ended up being me, Kels, and Mary. We talked and ate and hung out and watched Bride Wars. We finally left at about 12:30, and here I am again!

I was trying to think of what passage of scripture I wanted to write about next, but I wasn't sure what was bugging me too much recently or what I've been wondering about...

Hmm.. you know what I've been thinking a lot about and feeling like ranting about recently?? RELATIONSHIPS. So therefore, I am going to spend the rest of this blog talking about my take on relationships and dating (probably not the whole of it, but just in general).


Before I begin, LISTEN TO THIS:
[ http://glowingnose.com/site/index.php/2010/05/07/the-single-life-being-happy-as-a-christian-single/ ]
It's freaking awesome and on point (especially to the next things I will say in this blog.)


First off, let me tell you what I think about guys and girls. AS A WHOLE and TOTALLY MY OPINION: guys can really be stubborn about showing how they feel, and girls can be overly crazy about showing how they feel. This ends up with some pretty mixed up signals. Guys can be so afraid to tell a girl how they feel, and a girl can end up leading a guy on with her actions. Now I'm totally saying this from my experience and what I have seen in the dating world. This can totally be opposite, but I honestly can't stand when relationships are that way.

ANYWAY, it's funny because I just watched a clip on someone's Facebook about if guys acted like girls. [[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ6WpVSutrM ]] . Watch it. It's incredibly funny and so true that I can't even be angry at those guys for doing it! As I've said in earlier posts, the differences between guys and girls are hilarious.


Okay, but other than that, I've recently been struggling with being single. Sometimes I'm like, "okay, it's nice to be single, but is this God's will for my life? am I going to be single FOREVER?" You probably are thinking that I'm foolish for saying this because I'm only [almost] nineteen, right? You'd be surprised. When I'm not surrounded by this culture, I'm not thinking about it. When I'm on mission trips, when I'm working with kids, when I'm having fun and living my life, I'm not thinking about, "oh, I neeeed a boyfriend!"

You know when I'm thinking about that? When I'm at school, walking to class, and I pass at least six couples holding hands; when I'm watching the fifth movie in one night about romance and falling love; when I'm seeing new relationship statuses pop up on my Facebook news feed; when SOCIETY is telling me that I need to be in a RELATIONSHIP in order to be HAPPY!

Think about it.....


1. How many DESPERATE singles do you know personally?
I could name quite a few. You know, the ones who are always complaining about not being in a relationship. I would know; I used to BE one! (If you think I'm EVER bad now, you should've seen me at 15). The ones who literally stalk 'mutual friends' on Facebook or Myspace if they find them the least bit attractive; the ones who become real close friends with every girl/guy friend they have, hoping to maybe 'one day be more than friends'; the ones who like every guy/girl they are friends with upon first meeting them and are destined to pursue them; the ones who constantly try to get their friends to hook them up with their friend's signficant other's friends or just any single person they are friends with.

Where does this pressure come from??


2. How many MOVIES do you know of that don't have ANY love/romance involved??
Maybe Finding Nemo.. I mean that movie was more about a father's love for a child. Other than that, I can't think of any. Even Disney and Pixar movies (and anything animated) has the slightest bit or even a lot of romance! In Toy Story, Woody has a crush on Bo Peep. In Ratatouille, Colette, the pretty French chef, and Linguini, the idiot cook, fall in love. In Lion King, Simba falls in love with Nala.


Belle loves Adam.
Aurora loves Philip.
Cinderella loves Prince Charming (no real name).
Ariel loves Eric.
Snow White loves HER Prince Charming (Ferdinand??).
Pocahontas loves John.
Gosh, even Mulan loves Shang!


And other [Disney] movies such as Enchanted, Peter Pan, Up, Chronicles of Narnia, Bridge to Teribithia, Pirates of the Caribbean, High School Musical, Cars, Freaky Friday, and Alice in Wonderland ALSO include at least one, if not an entire movie's worth, love scene.

That's JUST Disney. We're not even counting Mean Girls, Hangover, 500 Days of Summer, I Love You Man, Bride Wars, Hitch, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, Fireproof, Spiderman, Serendipity, Shallow Hal, Titantic, Braveheart, Slumdog Millionaire, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Dear John, 10 Things I Hate About You, and Just Friends ALSO include at least one, if not the ENTIRE MOVIE filled with, love scene(s).

And HOW could we POSSIBLY forget LIFETIME MOVIES?? Pregnancy Pact, Too Young to Be a Dad, Cyber Seduction, No One Would Tell, She's Too Young, and pretty much every other Lifetime movie are all ABOUT lust, love, and sex!

How about TV shows? What would a TV show be without a little premarital sex and romance? Sex and the City, 7th Heaven, Secret Life of the American Teenager, Greek, The Hills, Family Guy, Simpsons, Eight Simple Rules, Gilmore Girls, Bachelorette, Grey's Anatomy, House, Desperate Housewives, Smallville, iCarly, Ugly Betty, and Make it Or Break it ALSO include at least one, if not all about, love scene(s).


3. When you turn on the radio, what's the first thing that comes on?
I know the hot, top, #1 song on PST right now: Your Love is My Drug. What about Already Gone, Paparazzi, Nothin On You, Self Esteem, White Flag, Hey Soul Sister, Just For You, Tattoo, Misery Business, In My Head, I'm Yours, Haven't Met You Yet, Two Is Better Than One (I ALWAYS hear this one, and it makes me sick), You & Me, Here Without You, Love Song, Please Don't Leave Me, Wannabe, Bleeding Love, She Will Be Loved, and According to You? All songs about... well, love, and how much we NEEEDDD it to breathe! Goodness, if we don't have a significant other, well then, how much do these songs SUCK to listen to?


4. Is it possible to read a book without there being some kind of love interest?
Examples? Wuthering Heights, Romeo & Juliet, Gone With The Wind, It Had to Be You, Message in a Bottle, Love Story, Outlander, Pride & Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, Twilight, Harry Potter, and so many others featuring people falling deeply in love.

5. Valentine's Day.
A holiday "created by Hallmark" to tell your crushes or loved ones how much you love them by buying them flowers, cheap chocolate, and stuffed bears. Should I say more?

6. PDA. How often do you go to a public place and NOT see couples holding hands, making out, or laying all over each other?
Some of you think at a Christian school, this action is nonexistant. Nada. Maybe it's more "calmed down", but it is DEFINITELY there! As I said, whenever I'm walking to class, I always see couples holding hands. And man, when it is 'Facebook official', it is ALL the rage to comment and say the following: "AWWWW", "FINALLY!", "I knew it!", "♥"! So basically, everyone is in a relationship but YOU.... or at least, that's how it feels. Every one of your friends is in one. Every Disney character is in one. Every Movie/TV star is in one. Every Artist/singer is in one. Your parents are in one. Your sister is in one. Your brother is in one. Your cousin is in one. Even those creepy people you know are in one! Everyone seems to be in one except... well, you.


So... where's the pressure come in? Well, hm, let's see. Could it possibly be the love songs, the movies about love, your friends always talking about love, fairy tale stories about love, and the overwhelming lonely feeling that you have when you just don't have somebody to cuddle with?


DON'T GET ME WRONG! Love is awesome... when it's in the right... context, situation, I don't know what word to use. Love and relationships are a good thing, but are they all that there is??

I am already predicting singles to love reading this and people in relationships HATING that I say these things, and maybe it could be true that I am biased to this, but honestly, I think it's true! I think if we focused more on important things in life (yes, love is important, but romantic relationships really aren't everything) than instead of being sooo lonely and unhappy when we are single or even in a relationship, we would be so much happier with life! When I'm out serving people or serving God, I'm totally oblivious to the fact that I'm single. It's not just because I'm "keeping busy", but because I'm not focused on something that's not priority #1 in my life!

Before I went to Africa, I was having some 'relationship'/'liking someone' issues. When I went to Africa, I totally forgot about the issues. I felt no relationship pressures or anything like that; it was so great. I honestly would rather NOT be bombarded with pressure to be in a relationship, which is bad because I go to a Christian college, and I don't know if YOU (reading this) knew this, but Christian colleges are the WORST with pressuring people to be in a relationship. People are always wondering what God's will for them is- whether they're meant to be in a relationship or not, and if God will bring the right person into their life, or, forgive me for saying it, want to get married so they can 'rightfully sleep with the person they're with'. There is just so much pressure to be in a relationship!

The media tells us and the world tells us that relationships and a significant other will make us so happy... but it's not totally true! I think that being 'in love' (keep in mind, not lust, and love in the right context) can be such a great feeling, but it's something you work at. It's never always easy, and it means sacrificing a lot. Love is about thinking about someone other than yourself. Love isn't just those butterflies and first kiss jitters and date nerves; it's a lot more than that.

Contrary to popular (media) belief, one person cannot make you whole; they cannot make you fully happy or content with life. Only Jesus can do this. No matter how much you love someone, they just can't make you completely happy. Somehow, in some way, they will disappoint you; they will make mistakes; they will hurt you. Humans are flawed like that. It happens! My point is, relationships are wonderful, but they are NOT all there is to live for!

I'm not trying to bring ANYONE down who is in a relationship currently. This is more for all the single people out there who are obsessed with finding love or all the people who are in relationships and are absolutely obsessed with the person they are with. I am simply trying to give you a perspective which maybe you have never heard before. It's not a popular one, but hey, it saves you a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Stop searching for "the one", and start trusting God. Let things happen. I'm not saying God is going to throw a significant other down to you from the sky or anything. What I'm saying is, is that if your focus is on God, all things will come into place. When you most WANT a relationship is honestly when you LEAST need one! Relationships shouldn't be anyone's first priority in life. They are something to be cared for, they are something to be valued, and they are something to be fought for, but they are NOT everything.

I know, I know, you're lonely. Hey, I get lonely, too. Sometimes, certain things happen, and I'm like, "ya know, it would be GREAT if I had a boyfriend right now". For instance, whenever I play my music, I think that it would just be so convenient if I had a boyfriend to play my music or jam with. But I honestly think the best thing is just to be content with where you are at before being in a relationship. I've heard people saying there's this 'huge' difference between happiness and contentment.. especially in relationships. You know what I think, I think, if you're going to focus on anything like that, focus on joy.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

This means SINGLE OR NOT, be JOYFUL! Be joyful in CHRIST! Christ's love means WAY more than anyone on this Earth's love could. I'm sorry if that offends you, but it's true. It's right there in the Bible. Jesus paid an ultimate price for all of us that no one else could pay.. not even your boyfriend, girlfriend, or love interest.

I'm not saying God calls us all to be single and that love is such a bad thing, I'm certainly not saying you feeling lonely is a SIN! I'm telling you that maybe you being single isn't such a bad thing; maybe God is trying to teach you throughout your singleness; maybe there's stuff you have left to do while being single; maybe you're just better off without a significant other right now. The Bible definitely praises love; there's a whole book dedicated to it, and many blessings have to do with love and children, BUT, again, our desperation and loneliness shouldn't feed off of just that and say, "well, I know being desperate/lonely is okay because the Bible and everyone else says I should be in a relationship right now".


The apostle Paul in the Bible puts it this way in 1 Corinthians 7:

"Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband..........

I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs— how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world— how he can please his wife, and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world— how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Singles, the Bible is on our side about this one :) Paul isn't saying that NO ONE should EVER marry! He is saying sometimes it is in your best interest to be single! This way, you can aim to be completely focused on God, instead of another person!


It's OKAY to be single!!!


In an interview with Joy Williams (Christian singer), she says:
"Paul talks about being single, it’s a gift to be single, and although innately we love the thought of being with somebody and being united under the covering of marriage God can use you so much more, and you can focus so much more during that time of being “alone” to really fall more in love with Christ. And you’ll never even be able to love someone else, if you haven’t experienced the love of Christ. So in the meantime, be prepared and ask God to prepare your heart for whatever he has for you in the future, whether or not that is a relationship or continually just walking hand in hand with God."


GlowingNose podcast (see link above) states in their introduction:
"As a member of 'gifted', I am often getting my feathers ruffled when I hear someone talk about being single as if it is some kind of disease. When the Apostle Paul talks about being single he says that it is his preference! How dare we downplay that just because we’re tired of going to couples only events alone."

In the actual podcast, the narrator tells us:
"I did a quick online search, looking for people to interview for this podcast, an author or something, but most discussions are either written by priests trying to comfort folks or they overuse the word "content" or "contentment" as if you've lost a limb and have to learn how to get over it. Let's face it, in our culture, being single is like being treated for a disease."

Another funny "news break" from the podcast (made me chuckle):
"WE INTERRUPT THIS PODCAST FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE CDC. RIGHT NOW, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, PEOPLE ARE LOOKING DOWN OUR STREETS, DATELESS PEOPLE, THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO ARE OKAY WITH SPENDING THEIR FRIDAY NIGHTS AT HOME, LONERS WITH ENTIRELY TOO MANY CATS, MEN WHO GO DAYS WITHOUT FEELING THE NEED TO PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES, WOMEN WHO ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO FACE THE FACT THAT HIGH HEELS ARE ACTUALLY DEATH TRAPS DESIGNED BY ANKLE SURGEONS. BE ON GUARD FOR THESE PEOPLE, AND MOST OF ALL, DO NOTTT BE FOOLED BY THE SMILES ON THEIR FACES. THEY'RE SPENDING CASH IN THEIR WALLETS AND THE FREE TIME THAT THEY ENJOY. THEY ARE MISERABLE, GUILT RIDDEN, SWEAT PANTS WEARING, SAD WRETCHES OF HUMANITY." [overdramatic for comedic purposes, but don't we truly look at singles as if they are diseased?!]

Podcast lists reasons to love being single! Check it out:
"Selfish but, oh, so sweet"
1. I don't have to pretend to like sports, ballet, video games, or professional wrestling to in order to impress my [spouse/significant other].
2. Kids make everything sticky.
3. I don't have to have a grown-up job if I don't want to! [someone usually gives up a dream in a relationship]
4. I can go on vacation without ever having to check in.
5. My cellphone bills are very, verylow.
6. I can leave a party without having to listen to my date whine.

[Oh, just listen to the darn thing yourselves! It's good stuff.]


My list? (Some things are going to be similiar).

1. NO needing to call/text a significant other everyday.
2. NO worrying about being 'flirty' or talking to my guy friends.
3. Freedom to grow in my relationship with God and with my other friends. girls nights & sleepovers! :)
4. NO awkward break ups or fights.
5. Creativity & free time [not squashed by having to see a significant other.]
6. Time to focus on what I want to focus on, instead of my heart ruling over my brain and spending way too much time on a love interest.
7. NOT hearing about or pretending to like sports or other stupid hobbies that I hate.
8. (Campbell's chicken noodle soups...) POSSIBILITIES! [new relationships; new friendships; dating]
9. Being able to go anywhere/do anything without having to make sure a boyfriend is tagging along (for his own security).
10. Less stress trying to always please a significant other [compliments, gifts, little things, etc].


Sure relationships have perks, but so does being single!


So, next time you hear that song on the radio, read that sappy love novel, or cry after watching that love story, and you think, "woe is me because I am lonely and have no one to love me", just remember exactly where your focus needs to be: on Christ, the ultimate satisfier =).


As the podcast says, "ACCEPT YOUR PLACE AND LOVE IT WHILE IT LASTS!"




Can I getta AMEN? ♥

Calvary.

I went to bed at a little before 7am this morning. I woke up to my only best friend telling me that the boy she likes now likes her. I kept smiling when she told me about it, but then I started to feel kind of sad. Things change when you're in a relationship. Friendships just aren't the same because your significant other becomes, if not top, than a high priority. This is TOTALLY understandable, but I am allowed to say that I don't like it very much. I know that I should totally be happy and supportive, especially because she deserves this more than anyone I know, yet it just makes me sad because I already feel left behind. Even if I shouldn't feel this way, I do; I'm only human. It's really hard on me having all friends with someone in their lives they can love, if not a significant other, than a best friend. She was my best friend, but now she will have a significant other in her life.

If I was someone else, I'd probably be telling me that I'm being selfish and stupid.. but come on, I know how hard is it to hang out with your best friend without wanting to talk about or talk to the person you're dating. I know how hard it is to not spend a lot of time with them.

I know it's easy to feel left out if you ARE the best friend who isn't in a relationship.

Now I sound like I'm insulting her ability to be a good friend. She's a wonderful friend, and I know she'd be such a good girlfriend, too. I know she would know not to be obsessive or clingy or needy or anything like that.... Perhaps I'm just being foolish at this point; I'm just worried, is all.


I guess it just has to do with being left out, with being the only one who doesn't have "anyone".


Yet, it's funny that I say this because when I am feeling all out of love and no one seems to really care about me, I remember that there is just one person who, in fact, died for me out of love.

Isaiah 43:4 says, "Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you..." It is crazy to think that the same God who has created everything loves me so much and thinks that I am precious. Think about what we humans desire so much... we desire to be love and cherished. This verse says that we are honored and loved by God.

An even better verse to show how much God loves us is the ENTIRE chapter of (MY own little commentaries are italicized and in parenthesis.)

Psalm 139:

O Lord, you have examined my heart,
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.

(He knows us better than anyone else ever could.. even ourselves!)
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

(He blesses us and lets everything work together in our lives for the good [Romans 8:28])
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

(We cannot even fathom this kind of love as humans because we are so flawed.)

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

(He is never separate from us. while humans may leave, He never will.)
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

(We am being held and guided by the hand!)
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

(He created both darkness and light and can see us through both even if we can't see Him through the darkness in our lives.)

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

(I picture a spider so craftfully knitting together a web; God so craftfully made each of us with time and care.)
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

(Every flaw, every imperfection, as well as every characteristic and beautiful part of us is created by Him for a reason; we are His masterpieces and works of art.)
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

(He knew us before we were even born. He loved us way before anyone else could have. Unfathomable, but how amazing.)

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

(We make mistakes and have qualities that people won't like and may disown us for, but God stays with us and still thinks we are precious.)

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

(Through our battles, God is on our side.)

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I don't know about you, but I cannot find a significant other who fits all of these amazing qualities that God has! If I made a "boyfriend list" of things I want in a guy (other than the physical aspects), it would probably sound something like this:

-Loyal
-Strong
-Leader
-Kind
-Loving
-Caring
-Understanding
-Smart
-Giving
-Thoughtful
-Sympathetic
......etc!


It's funny because God is all of those and SO MUCH MORE! He is loyal (Psalm 139:7). He is strong (Psalm 139:10). He is a leader (Psalm 139:24). He is kind (Psalm 139:17). He is loving (Psalm 139:18). He is caring (Psalm 139:1). He is understanding (Psalm 139:2-3). He is smart (Psalm 139:13). He is giving (Psalm 139:5). He is thoughtful (Psalm 139:4&6). He is sympathetic (Psalm 139:22).


I can't stop listening to the song "Love Me" by JJ Heller. It's just so relevant to my situation right now..

"Love Me"

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please,
Could you send someone here who will love me?”


..Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means


Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…


..Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means


He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home..”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered, and I know you’ve lied;
I have watched you suffer all of your life,
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...


I will love you for you,
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew."

 I didn't always feel love from my parents. I know for sure that they love me so much; they have given me so much and provided me with everything, yet sometimes they are not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lack emotion and don't know how to express their love to me.

 I didn't always feel love from my friends. I know for sure that they love me so much; they have been there for me, laughed with me, and cried with me, yet sometimes they are not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lack emotion and don't know how to express their love to me.

 I didn't always feel love from my former boyfriends. I knew for sure that they loved me so much; they listened to my problems, comforted me, and had good times with me, yet sometimes they were not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lacked emotion and didn't know how to express their love to me.

 God expresses the love that I need right there in Psalm 139. God used David (the author of this particular Psalm) to explain the amazing love that God gives each one of His children. Sometimes humans fail at giving us the love that we desire, but God supplies all of it.

God gives me the love that I have never known or have never gotten from my parents, my friends, and my former boyfriends.

Calvary... is marvelous.

♥