Sufficiency

Sufficiency

8/17/12

            I took a good glance at every person in my living room that night, in hopes of trying to freeze that moment in my memory so that I could stay there. I heard their words, but I didn’t listen; I just watched them and the clock as every minute brought me closer to the end of my time in Ecuador.

            When I came home that night after eating a bit with Santiago’s family and having them go around the table to say something to me, my host mom was cooking fish, rice, and plantains for dinner. I ate my last meal with my family and Santiago, and we discussed my returning next summer. Later Santiago’s uncle and grandmother, along with two of my Ecuadorian friends came to my house to say goodbye. They stayed and talked for a while, and I got to ride with my mom on her motorcycle. It was exhilarating, and I couldn’t stop smiling for at least twenty minutes. That didn’t last when I grew tired and sad.

            Once I received some presents from friends and said my goodbyes, I was left in tears in my room. I gave Santiago a letter in which I wrote him the night before and watched his eyes well up. He told me he wished he could give me everything in the world. I didn’t think it was possible to stop crying.

            I finished up all my packing and stared at the walls in my room. I took everything off of my shelves, cleaned out my dressers, and packed away all of my clothes. My room, aside from two very large bags ready to be sent away, was reflecting the way my heart felt in that moment… empty.

            I thought about what Rebeca would do in the morning when she found out I wasn’t in the house. I pictured my family waking up without me in the morning. Yet worst of all I thought about what it would be like when I came home the next day to emptiness and loneliness.

For two months I complained about not having much space; there were always too many people. In my house, there was no lock on the bathroom door. On the bus, it was always crowded. Santiago was always there, too. I was surrounded by my family, my boyfriend, and the world of Ecuadorians. Yet the chilling reality of loneliness haunted my thoughts that night as I remembered what I was coming home to. I didn’t miss home… but not because I had a lot to come back to, but because I didn’t. Granted, I have a family and friends that I love very much, and plans to last me the next few months, but there was nothing that could compare to my life in Ecuador and nothing that made me feel lonelier than the thought of coming home.

At two in the morning I left my host mom in tears to ride to the air port. I cried the entire way there and inside, as well. I couldn’t speak or even move. I finally left Santiago’s arms to go through the doors of the air port to lead me to print out my ticket. People were staring at me as if they’d never seen someone crying before. When I finally stopped crying, I received a text from Santiago and instantly starting crying again. Every time I re-realized the fact that I wouldn’t be with my boyfriend for four months or be where I really felt like home for another year, I started to cry. The emptiness was taking its seat in my mind.

The day after my flight I was to hang out with my friends I clearly hadn’t seen. That Saturday I was to attend my good friend’s wedding. Two weeks later I would be set to have my 21^st birthday party. In September I am to be interning for college one day a week and finishing my classes in order to graduate in a year and a half. It was clearly time for me to come home.

My flights were all wonderful. I got to sleep on them, as well as meet some wonderful friends that helped me out through the four air ports and three flights. Everything worked out well, and my dad and I got to talk the whole ride home. I came home and had some nice raviolis before sleeping in my clean room and made bed. I even had a warm shower the next day.

However, I still felt empty. Now it’s been a little over two weeks since I’ve been home, and it’s been really hard adjusting. I’ve been hanging out a lot with friends and going to the beach and bonfires and whatnot, but it hasn’t been the same. I catch myself talking about Ecuador and how much I miss life there. Santiago’s been working, so we haven’t Skyped much, and I’ve just had a lot of empty feelings in my heart since returning. However I know this is where I need to be.

My pastor, Marty, did a wonderful sermon last week on the sufficiency of God. (You should really stop reading for a second and listen to some --- http://faconline.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=131666&programId=130145). I realized how my sufficiency right now comes from God, not from being here or in Ecuador. It’s been hard, but this distance has helped me to rely more on God and remember He IS sufficient. Even though it’s hard for me right now, I know God has given me strength and prepared me to be away from a life, a culture, a language, a family, and a boyfriend I love so very much in order to become more dependent on Him.

It’s my 21^st birthday in three days, and I’m excited to see what other adventures God has for me this year. Summer of 2012 in Ecuador has come to a close, but there will be hopefully many more adventures there to come (next summer, I hope!), and Santiago will also be here in December (I also hope!). So we’ll see what other plans God has for me next.

Thanks for all your support everyone, and continue to find your strength in God alone!