Who I'm Not

 

waiting to go in the ring with...

this big guy!

me & friends in the bull ring

baby girl for her graduationnn

            Not too much has gone on the past week, but God keeps being faithful with “Jesus Calling”. What a great devotional! It really is one of those things where every day has the perfect word. Today’s was really great because I was being weighed down by the expectations of others here in Ecuador, but today’s message read that we have ONE master and ONE man who wants us to be who we are in Him and does not expect us to be who we aren’t. It was so perfect for me today because I just have been feeling like I haven’t been involved in as much of the culture as last year. Yes, I have to deal with there not being any water during most of the day, and I work in the kitchen with my Ecuadorian host mom sometimes, and I help hand wash dishes at home, but I’m talking more about relationally. I’ve closed myself off to a lot of people here because, since college, I’ve become more emotionally distant as a person. When I got rejected for being outgoing, my “sociable” personality went down significantly to the point where I feel uncomfortable being around a bunch of people that I don’t know. This makes it hard to bond with people who come to my house here or people who come to Santy’s house. There are always a MILLION people at the house, and it bothers me. I’ve tried to open up more, but it’s become harder. So it was quite refreshing to hear that message today that, although I can push myself to be a better person, I can’t spend all my energy trying to please people in being someone that I’m not. It’s more worth it to focus energy on God, and that leads to our authenticity.

            So other than that not much has happened recently, but I had time to kill, so I figured I’d write. I pretty much didn’t do anything this past Wednesday because El Refugio didn’t really need my help. I Skyped with my mom, but that was about it. Santy worked all day, so I didn’t really see much of him.

            On Thursday I worked with Angelica at El Refugio and got to meet the new team that’s here. The man who started El Refugio, Rick Borrman, brought his church here on a mission trip. I basically met a lot of people and just hung out with Angelica in the kitchen all day.

            On Friday I got up early to get ready for my little sister Rebeca’s graduation. We left a little late (of course) but got to the graduation on time. I watched all the little kids sit in colored chairs up front, while a bunch of loud and obnoxious parents and family members sat among the audience. There weren’t many people there, as my little sister is only graduating pre-k, but it was enough to wonder why so many people were chit-chatting while the ceremony was going on.

            Anyway, so basically they called four children up at a time, at which point their parent would put on their cap and gown for them. Then they’d walk on stage, where a person would give them their diploma, and they’d all stand a second for pictures. The lighting was terrible, but I got enough pictures, I think!

            Words were spoken, kids were given cookies, adults were given champagne, and then lots of pictures were taken. Of course I was surrounded by millions of Ecuadorian women who wore clothing that they really should not (way, way too tight and gives more than a muffin top) with super high heels that look really uncomfortable and long, greasy hair styled in some funky way. I swear, where I live, if girls dress in that tight of clothing (and trust me, they are not skinny women), they are considered trashy, which is not attractive. Yet I’ve noticed it so much here that I think it’s the “style”. Ugh, it makes me shudder.

            So after the ceremony we had lunch, which was French fries and chicken, of course. I hung out with the family a bit before going to Santiago’s house, where he had bought me “tres leches” (cake with three kinds of milk). It was pretty good!

            Later on we went to church, which was short because Santy had homework. He talked about testimonies and gave a little bit of his.

            On Saturday Santy had class most of the day, but I didn’t start the day out so well. I hadn’t woken up to my alarms, which meant no water. No water meant I couldn’t shower. No shower meant not leaving the house, so I had to wait until around 5 for there to be water and then I was able to walk to Santy’s house. I waited until he came back so we could go see the bulls again. We met up with Katelynn around 8 and walked there together. There were not as many people as there were before, so it was nice to not have a huge crowd. I did feel bad, though, because this time the bull was being taunted to begin with, as they wouldn’t let him go for like thirty minutes while they put the fire on his horns. Thankfully they aren’t physically harmed, from what I know of, but they definitely are taunted and bothered.

            This time in the ring was scarier because the bull was huge. If he stood up I think he’d be like 7 feet tall, and his head was humongous. Yet of course we still went down into the ring, and I was even closer to the bull than before. Santy stupidly went super close to the bull several times to get pictures. I told him if he broke my camera he was buying me a new one! But luckily the bull was pretty slow and so it was less scary over time. We had a lot of fun, and I wasn’t as sore this time! I also got to eat these delicious doughnut-like things and a chocolate apple, which were delicious, as well.

            Yesterday I went to church in the morning, which was different because there was a new person preaching that they apparently had invited. I actually liked him better than the other pastor (but then again the other pastor isn’t really involved much in the church and has a super bad accent), as he was enthusiastic and seemed really into it. He was also much easier to understand!

            Santy and I were going to go out afterwards, but I ended up just going home instead because of things I mentioned earlier on. Today, too, I was supposed to go to VBS, but because of those complications I didn’t get to go.

            I think that, while I’ve been here, I’ve realized that I’ve changed a lot. I’m not the same person I was when I was growing up, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve tried to force myself to be in a lot of social situations because I thought that would help me to be the person I used to be, and sometimes it works, but it’s just not comfortable for me anymore. I’m in my element when I know people and when I can really connect with them, which sometimes means in smaller groups. Although I’ve tried to adapt to this culture, I have realized mine is ALSO valuable, and I cannot sweep it aside. I’ve appreciated the people here who have understood that I’m not from here, and therefore am not going to be like them. I’m not always going to be super comfortable kissing someone on the cheek that I don’t know or being around a bunch of people who are laughing, and I don’t know why.

            Being here doesn’t mean I stop being American. Being here doesn’t mean I stop being who I am and start being who I’m not. I’m not Ecuadorian, and although my boyfriend is, there are many things that I simply am not used to and probably will never understand. I do, however, have respect for the culture enough to understand some things and ways of the people here, but I think having respect for a culture does not mean completely trying to pretend that you understand it all and like you’ve lived in it for years. I can’t pretend to be Ecuadorian, and I can’t pretend to not hate it when people stare at me like I’ve been run over by a train or pretend to not hate being bumped around in crowds at the grocery store/the bus or when there are screaming children in my house at 7am. I can only keep living here and appreciating the things about the culture that I do enjoy and learn to laugh at the things that I don’t. I can only keep being who I am and hoping that God will use that in the circumstances that I find myself in everyday, whether good or bad, of these next three weeks that I have left.