Why I've Been Down

This blog entry will essentially be one where I attempt to explain my wishing that I was home already to those who don’t understand what’s going on in the “life of Allie” right now. It’ll start off a bit negative because I’m explaining why exactly I’m not loving life too much right now, but it’ll end with some things that I’m extremely thankful for and that keep me going.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’m so unhappy here right now, and I’m sure a few assume that I will not be coming back to live here because of how much I’m hating 80% of it. I can assure you that this is not the case, and I will tell you why.

The way that I’m living right now is not how I picture myself living upon returning to Ecuador with Santiago in a few years. As of right now, I’m living with a TON of people in a small house, sharing one bathroom, and Santy is doing the same thing with his family. I don’t work, and I don’t do much while Santy is working. Neither of us plans on living in the town that we currently live in, and we plan on both working and being in ministry. Therefore our current living situations are not ideal while preparing to get married and live independently. Though we’re going to have to live with my parents for at least a year after getting married, I can assure you that THAT situation is in, several ways, better than my current one.

That being said, I’m going to list the reasons for all of my depressing statuses and requests for prayer…

1. As I explained in my previous post, I’m firstly just missing my “things” back at home. I ordered a new bed a week before I left, so I had little time to actually enjoy having a “big kid bed” (hahaha). I miss my room, my stuff, and even my MAIL! I’ve gotten so much mail and ordered things online, and I just really want to go home and go through everything!

2. I miss my personal space. As I write this, I’m living with EIGHT people in a three bedroom house, sharing one bathroom. This is because my family constantly has people stay at the house with us. I admire Ecuadorians’ hospitality, but at the same time, it also makes me extremely uncomfortable. When I wake up in the morning and open my door, I have eight pairs of eyes staring at me, and it’s really not fun—especially when it’s a bunch of strangers. Thankfully I have my own room, but I don’t even like leaving it to get ready because I get stared at whenever I walk out. I don’t have any privacy, nor am I ever alone at any point. There are ALWAYS people around, and I’m not used to that. Don’t get me wrong—I love my family here, but it’s hard enough adjusting to living with five people every day for 5 months, nonetheless living with 3 more people!

3. As I also explained in a previous post, I REALLY miss friends and family back at home. I don’t have many good friends here. We used to have good friends, but they all got too busy. My best friend in the States, Rummy, and I only had such a short period of time to hang out, and it was awesome. Now I just can’t wait to get back and spend more time with her & our whole bridal party. We’re so excited for things to come that it gets hard to sit here and wait!

4. Like I said, it’s hard to anticipate events and things and feel like you’re missing everything! I want to be able to plan my weddings and also help my sister with her wedding stuff (her wedding’s in April), so it’s hard being here during all of that, especially while trying to contact our lawyers and get ahold of them just through email. I never thought I’d say something so weird, but I really miss my wedding binder…

5. Another big thing for me is that I DON’T work while I’m here. I’m thankful to have been given the opportunity to work a few times for the Darnells’, but I don’t work full time, and it kills me! I miss working and being productive about things back at home. I’m bored most of the days that Santy works, and starting mid-October, he’ll be working almost every day. I mean I give myself things to occupy my time—planning wedding stuff, researching for my sister’s wedding stuff, reading devotionals, etc, but it’s not the same as being able to get up in the morning and have something to do. I know that I will probably be envious of myself in this post come November because I’ll hate waking up early, but it’s so worth it. I miss working!

6. Then there are the obvious comforts that I don’t have here, like there always being water/electricity, getting time by myself or privacy [being able to play my guitar and sing without people in the house], having my own bathroom and not worrying about a ton of other people using my stuff, BEING ABLE TO CALL COMPANIES [this is the most obnoxious one. If I have a problem and need to call a company, I can only use Skype if it’s a toll free number], eating what I love in America like Mini Wheats or Chef Boyardee,  and just simply being able to relax by myself and watch TV… in English.

7. Year round the weather in my town is inconsistent. There are only two seasons, and regardless, the sun typically is only out from 10am to 3pm in my town, if that. Most days it’s dreary and cloudy and cold. And when it rains, it’s pretty miserable. Dirt piles are everywhere after the rain, and there is a ton of wind that blows it into my eyes. It’s really depressing most days, and that, in turn, makes me depressed. I also really miss the seasons in America. Yes, it’s getting cold now, but at least it’s consistent. I NEVER know what to wear in the morning because when I walk outside, it’s really hot, but then it gets cold an hour later! I miss having seasons where it’s more consistent day to day. You know what to mostly expect. I also really miss Fall. It’s one of my favorite times of year, especially Halloween!

8. So here is where it gets a little more real and less superficial… To be 100% honest, I see people posting things about the war on race in America and how racism still exists, and sometimes it bothers me when people think it’s just all “Caucasian” people being the racist ones. I’m not saying I can begin to understand what it’s like to be another race, but I can tell you right now that I experience so much racism here. People either hate me, love me (try to talk to me in English), or treat me differently (like trying to fool me in the market with prices) for the color of my skin, and let me tell you, “white privilege” aside, this is NOT fun. I HATE being stared at everywhere I go. It makes me feel like an alien, like an animal in a freak show. I get stared at, talked about, and even worse, cat called (even in sweatpants) or TOUCHED. I absolutely dread the days where Santy works, and I have to walk to his house by myself because I always have to pass groups of people who stare at me-both genders and all ages. I’ve even had some guys touch my back or something when they pass, calling me “honey”. If I’m sitting next to someone on the bus, they literally sit there and stare at me until I give them a look. I’ve been very close to asking them if they’d like to take my picture. A lot of people here aren’t so keen to the fact that staring is just plain rude, and it drives me crazy to know they’re staring because I’m “different”.

9. There are so many things going on back at home right now that also make it hard to be here. I just recently lost a few friends due to them not really caring about the friendship as much as I did. I know that that has more to do with their lack of being good friends, but I can’t help but feel like that’s partially my fault since I’m in Ecuador and can’t be physically there with anyone. It makes me feel like people have forgotten I existed. I feel totally off the map. Sometimes I’ve wanted to delete my Facebook to get away from drama, but then I realize that it’s my ONLY connection to the real world.

10. There are so many things going on HERE, too, that make it hard to be here. Santy and I have experienced much ridicule and not much support while here. We’re working on dealing with things regarding Santy’s family and our ‘community’, but it’s not easy. A lot of people think that they understand our relationship and can intervene. They want to give “advice”, except it’s more like judgments and demands about what we NEED to be doing. A lot of people here are talking about us while they have no idea what we’re like or what we’re dealing with. We keep very FEW people close, and so people here only see ONE side of our relationship and then judge based on that. People continually feel the need to tell us how we should be, what we should expect, and what we should be doing when they have no idea about our relationship or how we live. I’m sure that you’ve all noticed that Santy recently got a piercing and a tattoo. He’s grown out his hair and plans on moving to the US with me—not staying here to “take care of the family”. Because of these things, people have accused Santy of “changing” and me of “changing him”. However, all I have done is allowed Santy to be who he has always wanted to be but suppressed because of his culture. Ecuador has a lot of awesome cultures and aspects, but there are a lot of Ecuadorians here that believe in ONE way of life and don’t easily accept another. Santy is incredibly happy with being who he wants to be, and we are happy to follow the call of God, which, yes, means having to leave his family here. That’s a part of life that we’re just praying people start understanding and stop judging.

So why would missing all of these things and dealing with all of that make me depressed? It’s just a combination of missing things and having a hard time with what’s going on right now. It’s all of the above mixed with being in a different climate, at a different altitude, and surrounded by a much different culture. It’s not easy adjusting to that and feeling alone in the process, which I have felt much of. It’s funny-I’m forced to be surrounded by a ton of people all day, yet I constantly feel alone. This is something that God’s working on with me, but I’m saying all of this not to get told that “Allie, of course you aren’t alone”, but being honest about how I’m feeling while I’m here. I don’t just hate everything, but it’s hard when you’re struggling through all of these thoughts and feelings. I just want people to understand that and support me through it.

Being talked about is something I haven’t experienced since early in college, and it’s something that makes me incredibly anxious. I’ve worked hard to NOT care what other people think, especially when they have no idea, and I’ve worked hard to NOT put stock in human acceptance. It’s taken me a long time, and obviously it’s something most of us struggle with, but when you’re being constantly criticized, it’s hard to accept yourself and want other people to like you, too.  I’m trying hard to ignore what most people here have said about me, Santy, and our relationship, but it’s not easy trusting in God alone.

And this is me not wanting to be the person who always acts like life & Christianity is perfect and happy. I don’t put verses in my statuses every day, share the most positive things, or always talk so “happy” because I want people to feel deeper than just that and know that I can relate to them, too. Not that I think it’s bad to be positive, but I think some of it is not always real.

Too much of our existence is all about what we see and post on Facebook. We paint these perfect pictures of our friendships, relationships, our health, and our faith because we don’t want anyone to think differently. I’ve been told I shouldn’t be so “personal” on Facebook, and let me tell you something, I have NEVER been one to not be honest and straightforward about who I am, regardless of what other people want to think about that. I don’t think any of my posts are super “personal” but are merely raw thoughts and feelings that I feel are important for my friends to know so they can be encouraging me and praying for.

I RARELY see people who want to be honest about their feelings, and when they are, they’re criticized for putting it on social media. I get that it’s not always the best outlet, but sometimes we just need people that care for us in the midst of our struggles and want people we care about to know. There are plenty of things that I DON’T most because I know they aren’t appropriate for that, but I don’t need anyone to let me know that what I do post isn’t ‘good’ for Facebook. I won’t stop being who I am, and who I am is REAL.

Anyways, went on a bit of a rabbit trail there but feel like it had to be said. Basically those are a lot of things that I’m dealing with right now, and that has made it hard for me to be ‘super happy’ while being here. However, there are so many things that have been keeping me going, and since I started off with the negative, here is a list of good things that have been happening that have helped me to survive all of this:

1. Santy & my relationship is better than ever before, and I’m not just saying that. Despite the challenges, we’ve been closer and stronger than ever. All of this stuff forces us to constantly encourage each other. One day I’ll be crying, and the next day it’ll be Santy crying. So we constantly have to keep encouraging and loving each other. Being in ministry together has also strengthened our relationship and helped us see what we want to do in the future. I’ve also been getting back into my “roots” with rock music, and Santy’s started getting into it, too!

2. The ministries we’ve been a part of have been awesome. Last week while Santy did his carpenter thing, I did my social work thing. Santy is currently building a shelf for the orphanage, and I sat talking with the social worker for a good two and a half hours about what she does and social work in Ecuador. It was awesome, and it made me so excited to be able to shadow her at some point. Also, Santy and I served at a homeless ministry called Pan de Vida, and THAT was also incredible. We helped set up, greet & give soap, serve food, and then see everyone out. We helped feed 163 people- including half of those people being children! It was so awesome to be able to be a part of helping to serve, AND we’ve been asked to lead worship next week, which is really exciting!

3. While we’ve been lacking support from a good amount of people, we still feel so much support from a lot of our friends and family. There have been people who have taken the time to pray for me and check up on me, and I’m so grateful for that. We’ve had some incredible friends like the Darnell’s who have invited us over, given us incredible meals, listened to us, and helped us with what we’ve been dealing with. We’ve felt so much love from a lot of people, and I’m so grateful for that. Even for YOU, as you’re reading all of this. I’ve been thinking so much about the quality of friendships and how often times the bigger the quantity, the less the quality of the friendships. So I’ve made it a point to simply appreciate the people that I do have instead of feeling like I need more. So I’m so grateful for the people who have been there for us.

4. I’m so thankful for having some great distractions like wedding planning. I’ve gathered save the dates, created a website, and researched many different things. It’s given me something to do AND has gotten me excited for all of this. Even planning the wedding here has made being here more bearable!

5. The weather has actually been pretty nice recently. The sun has been out for longer, and it’s been a little warmer at night.

Other than all of that, it’s been a trying couple of weeks, but there still has been plenty of fun stuff! Santy and I got to go to the jungle and my now favorite town, Baños, recently. We stayed with one of our friends & her family, and it was pretty interesting. It rains a LOT in the jungle, and I don’t just mean rain, I mean it POURS. And the bathroom was kind of outside, so that was interesting. But the last day we went all around and even saw one of Jim Elliot’s friends’ houses which is now a museum. We walked all around and saw different cultural stuff, which was so cool. Then in Baños we pretty much saw the waterfalls, the scenery, and had some good food. Baños has incredible service, is super clean, and is just the perfect weather. We’re going back in 2 weeks, which is another good thing!

Also, as I mentioned, Santy got a tattoo 2 weeks ago. It was on September 18^th, which is when our wedding will be next year. We celebrated by having fun at the orphanage, Santy’s tattoo, and Subway for dinner! Subway was celebrating its 50 restaurants in Ecuador, so it was buy one sandwich get one free (which thank goodness because Subway is really expensive here).

We also got to visit another church with one of the missionaries here, which was cool, too.

That’s pretty much everything that I’ve had to say, and just want to thank those who have prayed for us, supported us, and loved us through all of this. We’re really grateful for those ‘quality’ people in our lives.

All this being said- one last prayer request for you all. Our lawyers are just sending in our visa application for Santy, and in order for us to be able to spend Christmas together, Valentine’s Day, and more importantly- to plan our wedding, be in my sister’s wedding, so that Santy can work ASAP, and so that we won’t be apart for several months, we need the visa before December. However, the USCIS can take up to 5 months to even just look at the visa, so we’re really praying for a miracle. We’re praying that Santy gets his visa before the end of November so that we’re able to follow through with the plans that we’ve made. Please help us by praying with us!

Thank you all for everything… especially for reading.