I have settled.

In general, my week was pretty eventful. On Monday, as I mentioned before, I hung out with Emily, and that was wonderful. Then on Tuesday, I slept over Melissa's grandmother's house (she was out of town) with Laura up in Pine Hill. It was SO nice to have a change of scenery... although it was a nutty night. I actually cannot really say much about that night, because I would probably get in a bit of trouble with some of my friends if I did. Let's just say it was pretty interesting. On Wednesday, they dyed their hair, and then we hung out with Melissa's family at her house and played that Wii dance game and watched movies.

Then Wednesday night I slept over Steff's, and we watched Bride Wars and Love Actually. I cannot even count the movies that I have first seen at Steff's house. Every time I'm over, we watch some movie that I haven't seen yet: The Hangover, Running in Cars With Boys, It's Complicated, I Love You Man, and countless others.

Thursday was my obvious night to contemplate my life, hahaha. Friday was AWESOME. I went to Fuel, which was pretty cool, in general. It was about worries and trusting God with them. Like I had said, I had been praying about God teaching me what I need to hear right now, and man, this was it. This was the passage Erik spoke from:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single day to your life?

Why worry about your clothing? Look at the lillies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not beautifully dressed as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of those that don't believe, but your Heavenly Father already knows all of your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need.

Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own."

-Matthew 6:25-34


How cool is it that the verse is talking about how much God cares for the animals and creatures of this Earth, even though some of their life spans are one day. Yet if He can care so much for those creatures, how much more can He care for US? That verse really shows how worthless material things are in this Earth.

This is something I struggle with so much. I always want more stuff because I have friends with jobs or wealthy families who have so much more than me. This is why I LOVE other countries, especially when I went to South Africa. I felt so ASHAMED almost to have more than they had! I loved being able to give toys to my favorite child, Dickey, and his brother. I knew that the money I had would be going to worthless stuff anyway, so it meant a lot to me to give it away. My family was never wealthy or anything like that, so I always wished I could live in a household where we felt "comfortable" financially. I mean, we have been okay my whole life. I have always been able to get things that I have wanted and never asked for that much anyway. I know that I am EXTREMELY beyond lucky financially, but still, right now, after my dad getting laid off for the second time in ten years, we are trying to recover from the economy, too. We have been worrying about simple things like shampoo and food. My mom can't buy my favorite Maple Syrup anymore because it's getting too expensive. It sucks, but I know that I am still lucky to have a family who can afford a HOUSE (not a shack) with things that I want and things I need.

ANYWAY, back to it... we all wrote our worries (my life was huge- death, relationships, depression, appearance, school, work, etc) down on a piece of paper then threw them into a chiminea (I just found out that this a fire, hahaha), symbolizing our letting them go and giving them to God. We worry so much about things when God has EVERYTHING all figured out! I tend to forget that God has someone picked out for me to marry, so I get worried about being in a relationship. I tend to forget that God has the troubles of yesterday, today, and tomorrow figured out, so I will either dwell in the past or be afraid of the future. I tend to forget that God works everything out and that I am TAKEN CARE OF! As Erik reminded us, anxiety accomplishes NOTHING.

SO, after that, we had small groups and worked through our worries. As usual, I was in a wonderful small group. We mostly talked about being scared of the future and of losing people that we love. It was really helpful to hear other people's wisdom and then to know that I am being prayed for.


THEN after that, a few of us (like 10) went to Medport. It was nuts. I love Fuel people. I met some new guys, so that was fun. We had a really good time hanging out. This time I paid for my OWN brownie sundae. Then we went into the parking lot and hung out there. I really wanted to be a middle schooler again and play Truth or Dare, so we did for a little while. Brian took us to Wawa and bought me Salt & Vinegar chips and Reeses, which was pretty sweet. I ended up getting home that night at 2:30. I didn't go to bed until 6.


On Saturday, I went to Amanda's house to swim with her and Paige at around 5, so it was kinda cold by then. Yet, we still swam; it was freezing. After we were numb, it was good, though! After having a few hours of craziness at her house, I went back home. I got absolutely no sleep. I tried sleeping at 6, but it didn't work that well.



Running on less than three hours of sleep, I picked up Paige on Sunday and went to the Fuel barbeque. It was a pretty good time! We ate lots of food, played Rock Band, chased Joe around and then messed with his Facebook, played ping pong, and just hung out. Then Paige & I came back to my house and ate and hung out. We watched 500 Days of Summer and then played games the rest of the night, haha! We played Trouble and Cranium! Well, actually, we just picked up the creative cards and played charades and the fun cards. After laughing an incredible amount, we fell asleep.. I think it was at 3. I have not gone to sleep before 4 pretty much the whole summer.


Today, Paige and I watched Wedding Date, which was horribly stupid. I can't stand Debra Messing in the first place, but especially in that movie. Paige just left a little while ago, and hopefully I will see her again soon. =)


Crazily enough, I am here alone again! It's so frustrating. I have so many thoughts in my head, so many things that I really wish I could talk about to someone, yet I am not close enough with anyone to share my feelings. I feel like I have, yet again, put up walls against people =/. Such a bad habit, but it's what I have been doing most of my life! Just another thing God and I will have to work on.....


This is just why I would like a boyfriend or a best friend. Watching movies like Bride Wars or I Love You Man makes me realize how nice it is to have both in my life. Although I am content in God, it would be so nice to have a true best friend or boyfriend. You know what this makes me realize?


I HAVE SETTLED. My whole life, I have settled for people in my life that treated me like crap. For instance, I had a best friend for about, I don't know, eight years? More recently, we stopped being friends, and I'm so glad we did, honestly. I loved her friendship for so long, though she was like a damper in my life. I tried so hard to help her and to love and support her. I did that for all those years. I was there through all of it, even when she didn't call me a best friend. She basically publically wrote that she didn't have a girl best friend, when I was the one to let her back into my life after destroying it. Then she had the nerve to introduce me as her best friend to a family friend.


I settled for her friendship because I thought I had no other choice. I thought I was doing it for her because I knew I needed to start thinking more of the other person in friendships rather than myself, but she didn't care about me at all. I wasn't priority in her life anymore; in fact, I wasn't anything. For so long, it had just been us. We were such good friends, and I loved her personality. Now I can't stand it.



I'm not using this to bash her, but to rather prove my point in this. I was waiting for the friendship that I had for all those years to come back, but it wouldn't. She changed. I changed. Our friendship changed. No matter how much I wished things would be the same as they were, they aren't. It changed too much. She stopped telling me anything for fear of judgment. I stopped telling her anything for revenge of her fear. She grew colder to me and would always have this attitude that I hated. I stayed friends with her, thinking it would go away, thinking she would magically become the person she was three years ago, thinking I would mean something to her again. That never happened.


This is the same with boys. I have always settled for boys in the same way. I liked what I thought they were or what I wanted them to be, but that's not how a relationship is to be. Sometimes I thought I just wanted the attention and affection, but then realized, as they lead me on with attention and affection, that I wanted an actual relationship. Then I say it's their fault for leading me on, but it was totally mine for denying the expectations that I know I had. Now I can never really be sure when I should be in a relationship because I'm afraid that I will only like someone so that I can be with someone. Relationships are so confusing.


Any relationship is confusing, whether it's with the opposite sex or just a friend. That's the great thing about Jesus. He's not confusing.. yet at the same time, He isn't coming to Earth to give me a hug when I'm crying or to physically talk back to me every night. This is why He gives us people: to do that for Him. This is why I want a best friend or a boyfriend. It would just be so nice to have that human connection with someone, anyone.


Now that I'm starting to sound desperate, I'm going to start looking for pictures to scrap book. Since Steff bought me this scrap book, I've been excited to do something seemingly productive.

As a side note, my body is now constantly craving healthy food. Ice cream has been making me feel sick, along with other junk foods. It sucks, man.