Rainbows

Rainbows

6/27/12

            It’s currently 10:21pm, and I cannot sleep. I know that I would likely have this same issue if I was in America, but it just feels so much more painful here. This entry isn’t going to be about what I’ve been doing the past few days, and not just because I haven’t been doing a whole lot, but because I need to just reflect more than anything else.

            I am currently using the same journal (for devotionals and whatnot) that I used in January when I was here in Ecuador. I read through some of the entries, and it just made me feel sad. It’s funny because I was sad when reading about my trip to Ecuador when I actually am in Ecuador. So why was I sad, you ask?

            Well this week has been all about goodbyes. (I’m not even going to go into it about my dog, either!) First we went to a get together to say goodbye to Lydia’s friend, Rachael. Then Lydia, one of the interns, left on Tuesday for America and had a goodbye party. Then today we went to yet another goodbye party- this time for Madeline. Madeline and the Geneva group leave on Friday, and although I haven’t spent much time with them, I am going to be extremely, extremely sad.

            Madeline and I met in January. My group had been here for maybe a week or so when Madeline arrived. I remember bonding with her almost instantly, as she hung out with Santiago and I. Then after I left, she was one of the people that I missed, even though I didn’t know her well.

            Then through this journey with Santiago, Madeline continually talked to both of us and encouraged both of us. We had some serious conversations over just Facebook chat, and sometimes I felt like she was the only person who could possibly understand what I was going through.

            Now since being in Ecuador, we’ve gotten to bond over pancakes, lead worship together, and just share our lives with each other. She has become one of my greatest friends here, and I’m sad to think that I won’t be able to spend the rest of my time with her.

            Santiago just left about twenty minutes ago, but before he left, we cried together for a good thirty minutes. We were talking about all the goodbyes and how tomorrow is going to be such a sad day. Madeline was already crying at her goodbye party tonight, and I tried not to cry because I know tomorrow I’ll be a wreck.

            What really got me was when Santiago said to me, “it seems like all the people that I love leave on a plane”. He listed a few close people, and he included me, too. Then I got really sad because I started thinking about July 31^st. I am absolutely dreading that day. It’s not that I don’t love and miss all of you back at home, but that I really love my life here. I love my annoying wake-up call roosters and the fact that I can’t sleep past 9am. I love the fact that I can’t shower normally because the water is either lukewarm, cold, really hot, or nonexistent (which seems to be everyday). I love the fact that I am walking everywhere and taking the bus to other places. I love my family, and I love my friends. I love kissing people on the cheek when greeting them. I love Ecuador, and I love speaking Spanish. As you can see, I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to leave my family here; I don’t want to leave Santiago; I don’t want to leave.

            So all of these goodbyes have just gotten me so nostalgic. I don’t particularly like when life changes so drastically, but I know it has to happen. After living life trying to keep things perfectly as they were for so long, I started to, instead, try to keep myself at a distance so that it wouldn’t hurt when change came.

            Some of you may have noticed that part of me. I think maybe I started to do that a year or so ago. I started to decrease my level of intimacy in friendships with other people, knowing they were in serious risk of changing very quickly.

            When I look back at my life, I remember each “best friend” or group of friends that I had at the time. I remember the ways that I wore my hair and my favorite clothes. I remember what it was like to be in high school still and what it was like to have never experienced all that I have experienced now. I remember those times, and it makes me reminiscent. I miss those times and those friends and those hairstyles.

            I think this pattern of avoiding pain started after my first two mission trips to Ukraine. When I came back the first time after Ukraine, I was depressed for so long. It killed me coming home. Both times I cried my eyes out. I couldn’t stand the fact that I was leaving people I had become so close with. I made best friends there, and I was forever changed.

            Every time I have been on some kind of trip, even just for a weekend, it shook up my heart a bit to leave. Leaving and changing brought me so much grief that I started to pull myself away to avoid it. I stopped being close to people so that when their time in my life was up, I would be less attached. On trips, I tried not to give as much of myself so that it wouldn’t hurt as much to leave. At first I didn’t even notice I was doing it. It would pinch my heart when I would think about my old mission trips, but I would try to avoid feeling the pain. That changed in January.

            In January, I got close with several people here, and as much as I tried, I couldn’t avoid the pain. I cried just as much, if not more, when I left here in January than when I left Ukraine four years ago. I seriously considered stopping my love for short term missions because of the pain it caused me. I thought that after six of these trips, I couldn’t bare to go on another trip where I become so close with the people, so familiar with the culture, and so in love with the life that I would have to leave it after such a short time.

            I knew it was risky for my heart to return here. I started to worry about July 31^st before I even got here. I knew it would tear my heart apart to leave this place again, yet I knew that sometimes we have to put our heart through risky things in order to really live. As much as I have tried to avoid depth in relationships with other people or in trips like this, I have really invested so much of myself into this kind of thing.

            You know, fire fighters are trained to be tough. They have to arrive at horrible scenes and see some terrible things. They have to do this while trying to leave their emotions out of the picture. I know I wouldn’t be able to do that. I would be way too distraught and feel way too much to be able to handle those kinds of things.

            I feel like we have to be that way sometimes, too. In order to do some great things in life, we have to go through some serious pain. We have to be stronger than our emotions. I have to be strong enough to not let the fear of pain keep me from doing the things I love, like getting close to other people and traveling all around the world.

            As this group leaves tomorrow, I know I will question why I decided to leave that kitchen that first day and get to know that group, but not because I didn’t enjoy doing so, but because I am burdened by the fact that now they’re leaving my life already. I haven’t even spent that much time with them, and I already miss them. They were such a blessing and encouragement in my life that I don’t want them to go. I loved being able to serve alongside them and share my life with them. It hurts my heart to say goodbye.

            You see, these kinds of thoughts often keep me from doing things I want to do, like being a small group leader in a youth group or going on another trip. I don’t want to get close to people or used to something just for it to change the next year. It’s the simple fact that it hurts my heart to say goodbye. It hurts my heart to face change. It hurts my heart to leave.

            Yet through all of this, I have found comfort in the fact that God knows my heart and is protecting it. He is allowing these kinds of pain in my life in order to bring a great amount of joy. When my counselor explained that I feel things strongly in great highs or lows, I told her that I often hated it. She told me, “Well, you know, there are some people that can never get as ‘high’ or as happy as you can, even though the price for that is often pain”. The price for this closeness IS the pain that I feel, yet I know I would never want to trade these times for anything.

            You know that “it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”? Well, it’s kind of like that. I know it’s better to have done things like go on all of those mission trips or become friends with the Geneva group, than to have stayed behind because I didn’t want to face the pain of saying goodbye. I gained so much by being with this group and by doing the “risky” heart things. I gained so much by coming here, knowing that I will have to go home in four weeks. We will continue to gain so much when we decide to do the hard things in life.

            I knew coming here would take a toll on my heart, I knew that I would end up in tears yet again in a short period of time, and I knew that I would be paying a serious price for all of these wonderful memories. That price comes July 31^st when I need to return home. Geez, that price comes now, when Madeline and the Geneva group leave on Friday.

            Though it hurts my heart to think of these things, at the same time, I am encouraged to know that, along with the pain, God has brought me so much joy. I have been so blessed here, and I know that my life will never be the same. Every mission trip that I have been on has changed my life; every painful experience, every wonderful memory- so much in my life has changed.

            This is the longest that I have ever been away from home. I knew it would be hard. No, it’s not hard to leave my New Jersey life behind, but to go back to it. Again, I love my friends and family at home, but I am torn between the two. Maybe some of you know this feeling. If you do, I want to tell you that there is a silver lining!

Though all of these goodbyes hurt, God has done some incredible things. Through my time with this group, He has used them to encourage me in my music and in my life. I have gotten to know several people in this Geneva group, and I know that I could never be the same. They are a beautiful team, just filled with so many talented and sweet people that I have been blessed to be able to know. Through the pain of saying goodbye, I can remember that God used the time I had with them. God always uses these things. God gave me so much of out of this experience, and He will continue to!

Though it may hurt along the way, I can continue to remember His wonderful works and blessings. It’s cliché, but, rainbows can only come if there’s rain, and Madeline and this team have certainly been one of my rainbows.