Calvary.

I went to bed at a little before 7am this morning. I woke up to my only best friend telling me that the boy she likes now likes her. I kept smiling when she told me about it, but then I started to feel kind of sad. Things change when you're in a relationship. Friendships just aren't the same because your significant other becomes, if not top, than a high priority. This is TOTALLY understandable, but I am allowed to say that I don't like it very much. I know that I should totally be happy and supportive, especially because she deserves this more than anyone I know, yet it just makes me sad because I already feel left behind. Even if I shouldn't feel this way, I do; I'm only human. It's really hard on me having all friends with someone in their lives they can love, if not a significant other, than a best friend. She was my best friend, but now she will have a significant other in her life.

If I was someone else, I'd probably be telling me that I'm being selfish and stupid.. but come on, I know how hard is it to hang out with your best friend without wanting to talk about or talk to the person you're dating. I know how hard it is to not spend a lot of time with them.

I know it's easy to feel left out if you ARE the best friend who isn't in a relationship.

Now I sound like I'm insulting her ability to be a good friend. She's a wonderful friend, and I know she'd be such a good girlfriend, too. I know she would know not to be obsessive or clingy or needy or anything like that.... Perhaps I'm just being foolish at this point; I'm just worried, is all.


I guess it just has to do with being left out, with being the only one who doesn't have "anyone".


Yet, it's funny that I say this because when I am feeling all out of love and no one seems to really care about me, I remember that there is just one person who, in fact, died for me out of love.

Isaiah 43:4 says, "Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you..." It is crazy to think that the same God who has created everything loves me so much and thinks that I am precious. Think about what we humans desire so much... we desire to be love and cherished. This verse says that we are honored and loved by God.

An even better verse to show how much God loves us is the ENTIRE chapter of (MY own little commentaries are italicized and in parenthesis.)

Psalm 139:

O Lord, you have examined my heart,
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.

(He knows us better than anyone else ever could.. even ourselves!)
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.

(He blesses us and lets everything work together in our lives for the good [Romans 8:28])
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

(We cannot even fathom this kind of love as humans because we are so flawed.)

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!

(He is never separate from us. while humans may leave, He never will.)
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.

(We am being held and guided by the hand!)
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

(He created both darkness and light and can see us through both even if we can't see Him through the darkness in our lives.)

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

(I picture a spider so craftfully knitting together a web; God so craftfully made each of us with time and care.)
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.

(Every flaw, every imperfection, as well as every characteristic and beautiful part of us is created by Him for a reason; we are His masterpieces and works of art.)
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

(He knew us before we were even born. He loved us way before anyone else could have. Unfathomable, but how amazing.)

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

(We make mistakes and have qualities that people won't like and may disown us for, but God stays with us and still thinks we are precious.)

O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you;
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.

(Through our battles, God is on our side.)

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I don't know about you, but I cannot find a significant other who fits all of these amazing qualities that God has! If I made a "boyfriend list" of things I want in a guy (other than the physical aspects), it would probably sound something like this:

-Loyal
-Strong
-Leader
-Kind
-Loving
-Caring
-Understanding
-Smart
-Giving
-Thoughtful
-Sympathetic
......etc!


It's funny because God is all of those and SO MUCH MORE! He is loyal (Psalm 139:7). He is strong (Psalm 139:10). He is a leader (Psalm 139:24). He is kind (Psalm 139:17). He is loving (Psalm 139:18). He is caring (Psalm 139:1). He is understanding (Psalm 139:2-3). He is smart (Psalm 139:13). He is giving (Psalm 139:5). He is thoughtful (Psalm 139:4&6). He is sympathetic (Psalm 139:22).


I can't stop listening to the song "Love Me" by JJ Heller. It's just so relevant to my situation right now..

"Love Me"

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please,
Could you send someone here who will love me?”


..Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means


Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…


..Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means


He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home..”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, “I know you’ve murdered, and I know you’ve lied;
I have watched you suffer all of your life,
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...


I will love you for you,
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew."

 I didn't always feel love from my parents. I know for sure that they love me so much; they have given me so much and provided me with everything, yet sometimes they are not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lack emotion and don't know how to express their love to me.

 I didn't always feel love from my friends. I know for sure that they love me so much; they have been there for me, laughed with me, and cried with me, yet sometimes they are not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lack emotion and don't know how to express their love to me.

 I didn't always feel love from my former boyfriends. I knew for sure that they loved me so much; they listened to my problems, comforted me, and had good times with me, yet sometimes they were not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. Sometimes they lacked emotion and didn't know how to express their love to me.

 God expresses the love that I need right there in Psalm 139. God used David (the author of this particular Psalm) to explain the amazing love that God gives each one of His children. Sometimes humans fail at giving us the love that we desire, but God supplies all of it.

God gives me the love that I have never known or have never gotten from my parents, my friends, and my former boyfriends.

Calvary... is marvelous.

♥