How can I possibly be positive when I feel so awful?
I feel like I've failed at being everything I'm "supposed" to be, and am left wondering what I need to be now.
I'm not a good daughter.
I'm not a good sister.
I'm not a good friend.
I'm not a good Christ follower.
I'm not a good girlfriend.
I'm not good at anything.
Everything I thought I was good at being or doing.... well, I'm not.
I'm left wondering how, "you are precious and honored in my sight, and I love you" (Isaiah 43:3-5) could ever possibly be true.
I have this paranoia and anxiety that I can't get rid of. I don't trust God enough. I don't read my Bible like I should. I don't know if I'm ever doing things NOT out of selfish ambition. I'm starting to become hard to communicate with. I feel like I'm socially awkward sometimes. I think about changing the career path I'm headed towards because I am sure that I will not ever make enough money to live. I get angry at people when they cry out for attention. I can't stand my parents, especially my dad. I find it so impossible to forgive certain people in my life. I push every single one of my friends away. I wish that someone could give a crap enough about me, yet I find so much time to think about myself. I keep myself busy so that I won't have to think about all of the problems that I have or that I won't have to deal with them. I have never liked the way I look and remember every negative comment made about me since I was eight years old. I get angry so easily when people make mistakes, but I am so sensitive to when people get upset with me. I lead people on that I have no intention of being with, yet I am hurt when someone does the same to me. I am a hypocrite. I talk about growing up but I still expect to be treated like a kid to my convenience. I don't give people the credit they deserve. I am not patient with anyone. I can't deal with anything or anyone in my life.
Worst of all, there are things wrong with me that I don't even know about yet.
Why is there such a long list?
I write this because I am pretty sure that not many people that read this (if anyone), and the people that do, well, I'm really shocked, because that means something.
How do I even begin to deal with this?
What's even better is that I know your advice. I know your verses. I know your "I'll be praying for you". I know what you wish you knew how to say but can't.
I DON'T WANT YOUR ADVICE. I JUST WANT YOUR TIME.
I just for once want someone to come over with a six pack of Reeses, give me a hug, and hang out with me all night.. without me having to text them and say it. (because I'm the initiator, and I'm sick of it.)
I want to cry.
So much for being positive. I told you I would be honest.
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Everyone has problems. Absolutely nobody on this planet earth is perfect, and when someone starts pointing at fingers at people who think they are, obviously they're just morons. The only perfect person is God and he's the only one that can judge you. Don't even let people bring you down, ever. Perfection is boring, anyway.
ReplyDeleteDude I totally know where you're coming from. I was basically saying the same thing to God yesterday. Humans, we are in all cases, epic fails. But we need to realize that God doesn't want us to just look at our depravity, I mean it's good to get a reality check every once in a while and realize that we all fall short, BUT God more than anything wants us to focus on Him, and not on our failings. Yes in reality we will still always be faulty and sinful and unable to completely fulfill our roles in life, BUT we have died to our old selves, and our identity is now Christ in us. The more we focus on our failings the more we miss the point that its not us anymore that is doing the work, that is making the changes and doing good. Jesus is our identity and therefore we need to seek his face urgently. Get to know him deeper and deeper, knowing that if we are right in the center of his will then no one can judge us when we stumble and fail.God doesn't want you wallowing in your inadequate-ness because it takes away from all the glory and work he is already doing and continues to do in your life, even through your failings. Also often times we get things backwards, we try to be the good servant, be the good sibling, be the good friend, be the good student, etc. when all God wants from us is to seek him urgently, seek his word, his wisdom, his character and ways. Everything else (growing in your roles and responsibilities) FOLLOWS that. If you focus on it the other way around you will get no where and at the end of the day be even more painfully aware of how much you fail at all these other things. You know why? Because apart from Him we can do nothing. OUT of the potter's hand we are merely vessels that are immobile. Check out John 5:15, not to be cliche but I've had to memorize this verse and meditate on it and I still think I don't understand it sometimes haha. But the point is that the pressure to be a better person (not, mind you, the responsibility to represent Christ) is alleviated when we realize that we need to be seeking God where he is at work and join him in faith and obedience. He is doing the work and invited us to be a part of it. And if we are where He is, and if we have put the focus on who He is, then who can condemn us for being failures? No one, not even ourselves. Remember God is over your failings before you are, and He is ready to pick you up and keep going because he knows there is so much more amazing things he wants to do for his Glory and your growth. There is no time to wallow in our inadequacies. We need to focus on his adequacy and remember this is the God we are yoked to. He is by our side, bearing the weight, bringing us exactly where he wants us at exactly the right time.
ReplyDeleteHe is our new identity and if we remain in him and him in us, THEN we will bear much fruit.
Also remember that God loves you out of no merit of our own. God loves you because of who he is and what he did for you on the cross, etc. He died while we were still sinners, while we were epically failing, totally blind, trying to be good but missing the point. Continue to meditate on why God loves you, it absolutely baffles me personally lol I don't know if I even get it now, but it definately has nothing to do with how much we succeed or fail at the call we've been given. All God wants from us is to seek him first, love him, and praise him for who HE is and HIS deeds.
God will keep working in and through you, and you'll look back on all this with a different perspective, look forward to that! You may not get everything I'm saying or you may not agree, or you may think I'm being cliche, but what I say is not cliche once God has given you certain experiences to see all this deeper, to see him deeper. Embrace the process, step by step, bit by bit, day by day, He will bear much fruit. It's a promise.
And know that I'm writing this not just for you but also for myself. ;-)
Oh and Christ is in us but our lives are also hidden in him in heaven where he sits at the right hand of God. And the sitting part is important because it means he has finished his sacrificial work...unlike the jewish preists who never sat. Its reassuring that our lives are hidden in the one who is in the business of finishing what He started. haha Hiedi actually was the one telling me about the 'identity' thing. okay I swear I'm done now.
ReplyDeleteTo keep one self so busy as to not have time to contemplate the important matters in our life it is said is one of Satan's great tricks.
ReplyDeleteAll fall short of the glory of God, none are worthy, but by God's grace and our submission to it our we saved. None can know the mind of God, our thoughts are not his thoughts, but we can strive to know him, his will, and pray that ours and his coincide. That you can admit you are not perfect in any of these things is the start of humility and wisdom. Don't try to be the best, just try to do your best. Money is not a source of evil, but the love of money.
To put aside childish things is one thing but we are also called to come unto him like a little child in faith.I read it, and know you are special, unique and a child of God. -Jimmy