The best friend I could ever have.

As I write these entries, I always come up with these crazy analogies and experiences on the fly, so just bare with me!

Every other Sunday morning I teach Sunday school, and a few weeks ago, I had to teach my preschoolers about David and Jonathan in the Bible. Basically, if you don't know, these two Old Testament characters were best friends. Even when Jonathan's father, who was the king, was trying to kill David, Jonathan protected him and saved him from the anger of his father. That's a pretty legitimate friendship if he was willing to take his side over his father's, when his father ruled the land!

Then we had to have the kids make crafts for their best friends. It really got me thinking... and then it really got me lonely. I don't have a significant other OR best friend right now. BUT do I think this is on purpose? Absolutely! I think God took out all the distractions in my life in order to help me focus and re-evaluate.

Settling for chips and dip.

"Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." -1 Corinthians 10:23

My life brings cool analogies.....


So currently I'm eating tortilla chips with this hot dip, and anyone that knows me knows that I cannot stand hot stuff! I don't like peppers, and when I order burritos (my favorite breakfast) at McDonalds, I have to get MILD picante sauce! I hate the feeling of something being so hot that I automatically can't help making a "lemon face" (like I just ate a lemon!).

But right now... I was just hungry and saw tortilla chips. We don't have any cheese dip or anything less mild (I don't like them plain), and after seeing the chips, I really wanted some! SO I decided to eat the chips with this very hot sauce anyway. EVERY time I put the chip in my mouth, it tastes good, but is SO hot that I need to literally take a drink of my apple juice!

Can I just say that this reminds me of my own weakness? I often want things that look REALLY good, but in reality, they probably aren't the best thing for me. I have so many "tortilla chips" in life, but I know if I eat them, it's gonna hurt my mouth! It may, for about ten seconds, taste really good, but then it's just downright painful.

A bridge under construction.

Today is day SEVEN of my boy fast, and it's already been fun to see the changes! I have to admit, I have been a bit lonely, but I've seen myself become so much stronger. For some reason I've gotten so many texts from guys recently, but I've been doing well at keeping my boundaries. Ironically enough, I've noticed how much easier it is for me to deal with schoolwork, music, friendships, and all of those things when there aren't all these guys (not friendships, but "flings") around. Yet I think sometimes it'd just be so much easier if I had a guy in my life!

There's another distorted thought! "My life would be better if a guy was around!" Not many people want to admit this, but I believe that's a common thought. People really think life is/would be better/easier/happier with a significant other around.

I just don't buy it. Significant others are GREAT! It's wonderful to have someone to share your life with, cuddle with, spend time with, all of that! BUT life is NOT "better/easier/happier" with them. It's JUST as good without them. It's ALL about how you deal with your life and all about how well you can handle things [independantly/with God].

[[And they tell me to breathe easy for a while..

November 14th, 2011 was the first official day of my 6 month boy fast. I have decided to keep my mind off of pursuing any romantic relationships or even just having these things I call "flings" for 6 months! This will be difficult for me because the main thing I really desire is to have someone to talk to about everything and someone that can be there for me when I'm dealing with certain things, ie: the fact that my one dog, Murphy, will be put down quite soon.

I told my counselor about my fast, and she noticed the mood change that I've had. She gave me a challenge last week to spend time with more girls instead of my guy friends, and it made a significant difference! I got to hang out with my cousins all weekend, Skype a good friend of mine for a few hours, and go out for coffee with one of my favorite PBU girls! I really enjoy being able to have some girl bonding, even if it's just over Skype (CELESTE!!). I need more of that!!

Rewind.... As I said, I was struggling a lot after last semester. This summer was fun, but it was also very hard. There were things I wasn't proud of and things I wish I could take back. I went into this semester doing so well. I was focused in my classes, and I had a more positive outlook on life, but as the semester went on, things started to wear on me. My anxiety came back full-force, and I constantly battled myself until I ended up with bad choices.

As those things happened, my counselor gave me six things I was to work on: waiting, long suffering, steadfastness, self-control, slowing down, and self-soothing. I found it extremely difficult to be patient, to not be impulsive, to not fight with people, and to deal with my anxiety/depression in an appropriate and healthy way. That's something that has changed signifcantly.

With these things, I've found that I am more impulsive, fight-seeking, and dependant when it comes to boys (obviously). I get attached and pull away extremely quickly, consistently fulfilling my self-prophecy of "no one can handle me; everyone always leaves". My mood swings get that much worse, and my up/downs become constant downs.

I more recently got very attached to a boy I was sort of seeing for a few weeks until he decided to pull out of it. I was so distraught and really tried to convince myself I wouldn't find someone that could really love me.

With this six month fast, I have a whole list of goals. One of my goals is to significantly change these mood swings. My counselor explained to me something profound: you can't change how you feel, BUT you can change how you deal with it. I can't change being in a high or a low, but I can change how I react to being in a high or a low. Often times I will be in such a high (which my counselor says I'm lucky because some people never get that high), but then I know that soon enough I'll be very low again. This pattern becomes that much worse when I'm seeing someone. SO my hope is that I'll take this time to straighten out some of those mood swings and be able to deal with the "low" ends without needing a boy right there with me.

My main thing is to get refocused. I want to focus more on:
-God
-maintaining better relationships with people
-myself & dealing with everything/my physical, spiritual, emotional health
-my music
-school
-my next mission trip

Here’s a break down of some of those:

GOD:
I’ve been consistently talking to God about everything and am really happy to get back into Bible studies and whatnot again. That’s why I hope to be writing my studies in this blog pretty often, and I hope you will all read them!

RELATIONSHIPS:
[rant]
Currently my friendships aren't on a very deep level due to my bitterness. Over the past few years (more so the past year), I've heard this "gossip" being said about me in Christian settings. I've never been more talked about than within church members. This shouldn't be at ALL. Unfortunately, it happens, and I know that I'm not perfect either, but I've really tried not to get involved in that. In my case, things I have said in confidence within smaller groups that I've trusted have gotten out and been repeated (which was totally unnecessary). I've heard rumors being said about me, in which case I have no clue where they came from. I've had people tell me directly inappropriate things that have been said about me which came from people I called my friends.

I've been completely disrespected in these settings, and it's really caused me to look at how I interact with people and how discerning and careful I have to be in these relationships. Sometimes I open up too much too soon to the wrong people. I'm getting better with this, but it's still a struggle now to open up at all. I've wanted to stop trusting everyone because I know the common view of me is "difficult" and "too much". People appreciate my honesty and me being myself to the fullest extent UNTIL they see something they don't like, whether it be my outgoing nature, my openness to talk about the 'unmentionable' things, or my sincerity about life. I really stir things up in people's minds, so much so, that they have to "stay away from Allie Pisarro".

If you can't handle the craziness and honesty I have to offer, I absolutely got you. Sometimes I can't, either, but if you don't, it is unnecessary to tell the world that.

ANYWAY, that was just a bit of a rant... [/rant] I've just really been trying to open up to the right people and really learning to trust and be vulnerable in steps. It's been really cool to see this unravel in my life, and I've really appreciated the friends that I do have that support me in that. I can be very negative and black&white, so it shows me one of my distorted thoughts of "I just cant be friends with anyone because no one can deal with me" is false.

MYSELF:
Basically, I really want this time to just be me healing and picking up all the pieces and, with God's help, putting them back together again. I need to make things right, and I need to deal with everything. I need to let certain things go while also letting certain things in. I’m just not ready for romantic stuff right now.

MUSIC:
With that, my music has been going really well recently. I've had a few amazing churches ask me to play my songs in their services (I played at Grace Community in Philly last weekend!), I've been playing coffeehouses (and people there actually know who I am because of my music!), and even Chick-Fil-A (in Neshaminy) asked me to come and play music in their store for the holidays!! How incredible is that?! I've also gotten the chance to lead worship for different ministries, sing at our Ecuador fundraiser events, and even got some money playing at a flea market (I made more money playing than selling!!).

God has given me such huge opportunities that I NEED to take advantage of! These could jump-start whatever career I end up hopefully having in music, and it has given me such a chance for outreach and ministry. With my focus off of relationships with guys, I have much more time to write, sing, and find inspiration in God!

There are more exciting things that I can write about in this category, but I'll just stick with telling you to keep checking out my youtube & Facebook musician page for details.

NEXT MISSION TRIP:
In only a month and a half, I will be traveling to Ecuador with the best team I have ever been on for two weeks. We will be doing a variety of things like working with kids, going to orphanages, and doing service projects. Our team consists of two leaders and six students. We are intimate, personal, and have spent so much time together I consider them family. We have done multiple fundraisers together, and each one has not only been a huge success (raising over $600), but we have all become so close. I’m MORE than excited for this trip, but we still have lots of prepping!!




My counselor asked me, “Allie, what do you hope to get out of this?” Well, in the end, I’d like to feel accomplished. I’d like to know that if anything were to happen, I’d be ready for it. It’s almost like I’m in training, and this is a good motivation for me to get refocused. I want to spend this time becoming who I want [and need] to be.

When Celeste first told me about this fast, I was like, “no way!”, but for some reason, three months later, I just felt like I needed it. I guess it was a God thing! I’m just in a place where I’d really like to figure out who I am with no distractions and an official reason to give myself this time… to myself!

Celeste gave me some pretty specific boundaries she set, so I’m going to try my hardest to keep them. I really just want to stay away from any kind of dating relationship for the next six months.

I will hopefully be updating you weekly, if not daily, on my progress & most likely loss of strength (hahaha) during the process. I hope you’ll go on this journey with me by reading my blog and keeping this challenge in your prayers. I’m ready to see what He’ll teach me…

Okay, God… Here we go…

The heart: the only broken instrument that works.

It’s almost been a year since my last post on here. How crazy is that? I find it even crazier that the last post I wrote about was being single, when that was the farthest thing from what I was this past year.

As I had said in that post, I was quite content with being single. I didn’t have anyone I really liked or was attached to, so it was easy to be without a significant other.

What’s funny is how God always drops someone on your lap when you aren’t looking. Literally not even a week after that last blog post, I started talking to a boy I never thought I would date. We worked together two years earlier and hadn’t kept in very good touch since then. I had him on Facebook, and one night, I saw he was online and decided to message him. I never really messaged anybody, so it was really random for me to just decide to see how he was.

After talking for a good amount of time, we decided to hang out. That hanging out ended up in a relationship- a relationship we both made mistakes in, a relationship that meant a lot to me.

It got very serious very fast and ended just short of seven months. I was absolutely devastated and didn’t understand why God could let that happen to me… again. You see, this isn’t the first time I’ve been told I was loved, needed, and taken care of when, in reality, the person wasn’t sure exactly what they felt. After years of those relationships, I stopped trying to be in relationships and pushed more people away because of it. I only had “flings” that didn’t last more than a month or two, and sometimes I hurt the people I liked at those times. I never wanted to be hurt the way I was in the past, so I felt like a total idiot for making the same mistakes but worse this time.

I just kept thinking how I should’ve seen this one coming. I’m going to be twenty years old this summer, yet I’m not ever going to reach an age where I’m invincible. Thinking, “oh, that wouldn’t happen to me”, or “no, that wouldn’t happen again” was quite naïve, and I think I even knew that the whole time. Despite any sense of warning or conscious, I let myself make those mistakes, and I’m really paying for them now.

During hard times like these, people will tell us or we will tell ourselves that God is using all this hard stuff for a reason. He’s doing something. He’s making us grow. He’s making us stronger. He’s got a plan for our lives, and we only see such a small piece of that big puzzle.

After all, Romans 8:28 says, “Everything works together for the good of those who love Him.”

And yes, I’ve seen some of that good. Through all of this, I have, in fact, learned. I have grown. I have learned more about myself and about relationships. I’ve gained perspective, and I’ve definitely gotten stronger. My relationship with God suffered, but is healing. I am healing.

But I just wish God would use some other way sometimes. Still, I guess no matter the circumstance, it would always hurt. Even if he used any other circumstance in my life, it would probably hurt just as much.

I want to tell you that I’m not at all bitter, but I’m shooting for honesty here. It’s hard not to be. I really wanted to fix the mistakes that I made, and I always thought that I could do that by keeping the relationship. I guess that wasn’t necessarily true because the way that I am truly loving him right now is by letting him go. It hurts a lot still, and I miss him so much, but I know that this is what he and God want. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about him, but God has already brought a lot of healing.

When a relationship ends, it really is like someone has died in your life. The person you used to spend so much time with, used to know so well, and used to love so much, is no longer that same person. That person you loved has died and left you with just “memories”. That’s the bad part about memories… they’re just memories. You can’t bring them back.

Who I really want to read this blog post are the people who are going through this or have recently gone through this same thing. I want the people who are broken-hearted and lost to find some encouragement in my story.

Since February I’ve collected songs to put into what I guess can be considered a “broken heart album”. There are more, but recently these are the top 10 songs with lyrics that have really pierced my heart:

-----------------------------

I don't know your face no more
Or feel the touch that I adore...
I don't know your face no more;
It's just the place I'm looking for....

I don't know your thoughts these days.
We're strangers in an empty space...
I don't understand your heart-
It's easier to be apart??

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world...
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in another time...

We might as well be strangers
For all I know of you now....

[Keane- “Strangers”]

-----------------------------

And I watched your footprints making patterns
Away from me into the snow…
Now I don't believe in nothing anymore.

So lately I've been going crazy
Trying to get you off my mind
Cause thoughts of you hang just like pictures
And gather dust over the time..

We hung them up just like real lovers
And drove our nails into the wall
Cause we thought they'd be there forever...
But we weren't permanent at all.

And it's getting much too hard to see it now...

Cause love is permanent, not temporary,
It's driven straight into our chest
And buried much too deep
to just pull out like weeds in a garden...
It's permanent...

[Colbie Cailiat & Jason Reeves- “Permanent”]

-----------------------------

How we play fight as we dance slow,
The smile you make saying ‘yes’ meaning ‘no’
Is so grey, so faint...
The words stray in your mouth with an ache.

I’m standing in water with the light on my shoulder,
The weight of doubt turned me to glass.
I’m through living in question, dreaming the answers...

No more paving the present with pain from my past.

I will let you go…

[Daniel Ahearn- “I Will Let You Go”]

-----------------------------

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists,
and I whisper "why can't you love me? I'll change for you;
I'll play the part..."

And I say baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely,
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me,
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too...

He said I'm sorry, so sorry,
I am sorry...

[Maria Mena- “Sorry”]

-----------------------------

Let's talk this over; it's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did; was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead...

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared,
And making me feel like I was the only one.
It's nice to know we had it all;
Thanks for watching as I fall,
And letting me know we were done..

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it...

All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away-
All this time you were pretending,

So much for my happy ending..

[Avril Lavigne- “Happy Ending”]

-----------------------------

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it...
I had hoped you'd see my face
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over...

Please don't forget me, I beg.
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead...."

[Adele- “Someone Like You”]

-----------------------------

I still remember the look on your face-
Lit through the darkness at 1:58...
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go away?

That July 9th, the beat of your heart-
it jumps through your shirt;
I can still feel your arms....

But now I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
All that I know is I don’t know
How to be something you miss

Never thought we’d have a last kiss..

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe...

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day,
And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed.
We can plan for a change in weather and time,
But I never planned on you changing your mind....

[Taylor Swift- “Last Kiss”]

-----------------------------

I go about my business, I'm doing fine....
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line?
Same old story, not much to say...
Hearts are broken everyday...

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on;
I know you hate it when I leave the light on.
I pick a book up, turn the sheets down,
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around...
Put on my pjs and hop into bed..
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead

Cause you were meant for me,
and I was meant for you...

[Jewel- “Meant For You”]

-----------------------------

I've run out of complicated theories, so now I'm taking back my words,
and I'm preparing for the breakdown...
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you, and the bathroom's still a mess...
Remind me why we decided this was for the best.

Because I miss you love,
I miss you love...

Don't act like you don't know me.
It's still me, I never changed...
I'll be here when you come back...

Because I miss you, love...

[Maria Mena- “I Miss You, Love”]

-----------------------------

Last night I heard my own heart beating
Sounded like footsteps on my stairs
Six months gone and I'm still reaching
Even though I know you're not there

I know people change and these things happen
But I remember how it was back then…

If you're out there, if you're somewhere, if you're moving on ,
I've be waiting for you ever since you've been gone
I just want it back the way it was before
And I just want to see you back at my front door

[Taylor Swift- “If This Was a Movie”]

-----------------------------


Last night my best friend, Sherry, caught me crying in the middle of the night. “Do you do this every night?” she asked me.

“Sometimes,” I told her.
The truth is, sometimes I just need to cry and remember and hurt.

Sometimes we have to grieve. I don’t dwell on it like I used to when it first happened, but there will be times when I just feel it in my chest. There will be times when a smile in a picture or a line in a song or words in a letter really make my heart hurt.

It really sucks to feel that kind of pain, and all of us have to wonder why we have to go through it. Sometimes I’d really like to know why God’s letting this stuff happen, but I do just have to trust that it’s part of a plan that I don’t quite understand. Through all of it, I am stronger, and I am learning, but I really hate God’s choice of process on this one.

There’s a song called “Blessings” by Laura Story [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ] that basically talks about how God uses the storms and tears and difficult times as blessings in disguise. It’s a wonderful song, but it’s really hard to believe when you are going through that difficult time. If you are going through a hard time, though, just remember one thing: God’s holding you together. You may feel like a mess, you may feel like everything is falling apart, and you may feel like you aren’t going to make it through all of this, but I can tell you from this experience that God’s got it under control.

A specific day a few weeks ago, I realized that I had to let my ex-boyfriend go. I had so much I wanted to say to him (not bad stuff), but I knew it was best to just let him move on. I was absolutely hysterical. I mean, this past semester, I have gotten sick from this whole thing. I have cried so much that I’ve thrown up. I’ve had purple and green hands from the stress. I’ve had so many problems eating and sleeping. Yet I can tell you right now I never felt as sick as that day. I had never had to do anything so hard in my entire life. It was the worst feeling in the world.

I went to get into my car with tears streaming down my face. I drove not even twenty feet when I stepped on my brakes to see a gigantic rainbow in front of me, a sign of God’s promises. [picture: http://i52.tinypic.com/281gdah.jpg] In fact, there was a double rainbow in perfect view. I got back into the car, asking what God wanted from me. I turned on my car and a song called “Hold Me Together” by Royal Tailor [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEzas-F_aKA] started playing. The song talked about how God can hold us together when we’re falling apart. That simple song absolutely broke me down, and I realized that this whole time, I had made other things my foundation.

When a storm comes and everything is swept away with the waves, what remains? What foundation remains? When building my foundation on things made out of sand, it all has gotten swept away. Yet when I put my hope and my trust in God, I have a rock, a firm foundation that won’t be swept away.

It felt like everything in my life had been swept away. The most important person in my life, a person I loved and wanted to marry, was taken away from me, and I couldn’t understand it. I don’t think I’ll ever really understand it. But I don’t need to.

What I need to remember is that I’m being held together by an incredible and powerful God whose love will never fail. I may have people come and go into my life that pretend, lie, or hurt me, whether intentionally or not. I may have people whose love fails or is lacking, but God’s never does.

Recently I’ve been asking people who have gone through a break up what happened to end their relationship. I ask this, not only out of curiosity and concern, but also to know that I’m not alone, as well as how the other person has handled their break up. It helps me to cope, too.

I’ve heard this excuse about “not being in love anymore”, and it’s really a frustrating excuse because simply of 1 Corinthians 13:8. I guess I’ve realized that God really is consistent in this one. HIS love doesn’t fail, even when we say ours does. He has a true, genuine, self sacrificial love that goes on forever. He wouldn’t leave or “divorce” us or end a friendship with us.

It’s hard because we want a person that we can cuddle and talk on the phone with and take care of. We want that physical person in our lives. But remember that we don’t NEED to have a significant other to be happy.

A lot of my friends (at least 15 of them) have gotten engaged these past few months. It’s been hard because this has happened right after I got broken up with. Yet I am happy for them. They are sooo blessed to have found that physical being they can spend their lives with.

It isn’t bad to have a significant other in your life, but as I said almost one year ago in my last post, it isn’t bad not to! We often make relationships a foundation, and they often fail us.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, make God your foundation. If you do, you won’t be disappointed. If you don’t, you’ll find that whatever else you made your happiness wasn’t really worth it in the end.

Allow God’s love to be enough for you, and allow Him to hold you together in the midst of storms, trials, and heart breaks.

One last thing I want you all to know is that the person I dated is a very wonderful man. He may not have done everything the right way, but he has a very big heart, and I was really blessed to call him my best friend for as long as I did. (I would hope that it’s okay that I’m writing all of this, as well.) I love him, and I still care so much about him.

This past year I started my second counseling session. My first counselor left my school after about four months or so of counseling me, so I just didn’t go back until this past September to a new counselor, who helped me so incredibly much. At our last counseling session she said to me, “during our time together, you didn’t get everything right… but you had the heart to want to.”

I didn’t get everything right, but I’ve learned, and I’ve grown. I’m still learning and healing through everything. God is still writing my story.

He writes more everyday.


“The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
-Psalm 34:18


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