November 14th, 2011 was the first official day of my 6 month boy fast. I have decided to keep my mind off of pursuing any romantic relationships or even just having these things I call "flings" for 6 months! This will be difficult for me because the main thing I really desire is to have someone to talk to about everything and someone that can be there for me when I'm dealing with certain things, ie: the fact that my one dog, Murphy, will be put down quite soon.
I told my counselor about my fast, and she noticed the mood change that I've had. She gave me a challenge last week to spend time with more girls instead of my guy friends, and it made a significant difference! I got to hang out with my cousins all weekend, Skype a good friend of mine for a few hours, and go out for coffee with one of my favorite PBU girls! I really enjoy being able to have some girl bonding, even if it's just over Skype (CELESTE!!). I need more of that!!
Rewind.... As I said, I was struggling a lot after last semester. This summer was fun, but it was also very hard. There were things I wasn't proud of and things I wish I could take back. I went into this semester doing so well. I was focused in my classes, and I had a more positive outlook on life, but as the semester went on, things started to wear on me. My anxiety came back full-force, and I constantly battled myself until I ended up with bad choices.
As those things happened, my counselor gave me six things I was to work on: waiting, long suffering, steadfastness, self-control, slowing down, and self-soothing. I found it extremely difficult to be patient, to not be impulsive, to not fight with people, and to deal with my anxiety/depression in an appropriate and healthy way. That's something that has changed signifcantly.
With these things, I've found that I am more impulsive, fight-seeking, and dependant when it comes to boys (obviously). I get attached and pull away extremely quickly, consistently fulfilling my self-prophecy of "no one can handle me; everyone always leaves". My mood swings get that much worse, and my up/downs become constant downs.
I more recently got very attached to a boy I was sort of seeing for a few weeks until he decided to pull out of it. I was so distraught and really tried to convince myself I wouldn't find someone that could really love me.
With this six month fast, I have a whole list of goals. One of my goals is to significantly change these mood swings. My counselor explained to me something profound: you can't change how you feel, BUT you can change how you deal with it. I can't change being in a high or a low, but I can change how I react to being in a high or a low. Often times I will be in such a high (which my counselor says I'm lucky because some people never get that high), but then I know that soon enough I'll be very low again. This pattern becomes that much worse when I'm seeing someone. SO my hope is that I'll take this time to straighten out some of those mood swings and be able to deal with the "low" ends without needing a boy right there with me.
My main thing is to get refocused. I want to focus more on:
-God
-maintaining better relationships with people
-myself & dealing with everything/my physical, spiritual, emotional health
-my music
-school
-my next mission trip
Here’s a break down of some of those:
GOD:
I’ve been consistently talking to God about everything and am really happy to get back into Bible studies and whatnot again. That’s why I hope to be writing my studies in this blog pretty often, and I hope you will all read them!
RELATIONSHIPS:
[rant]
Currently my friendships aren't on a very deep level due to my bitterness. Over the past few years (more so the past year), I've heard this "gossip" being said about me in Christian settings. I've never been more talked about than within church members. This shouldn't be at ALL. Unfortunately, it happens, and I know that I'm not perfect either, but I've really tried not to get involved in that. In my case, things I have said in confidence within smaller groups that I've trusted have gotten out and been repeated (which was totally unnecessary). I've heard rumors being said about me, in which case I have no clue where they came from. I've had people tell me directly inappropriate things that have been said about me which came from people I called my friends.
I've been completely disrespected in these settings, and it's really caused me to look at how I interact with people and how discerning and careful I have to be in these relationships. Sometimes I open up too much too soon to the wrong people. I'm getting better with this, but it's still a struggle now to open up at all. I've wanted to stop trusting everyone because I know the common view of me is "difficult" and "too much". People appreciate my honesty and me being myself to the fullest extent UNTIL they see something they don't like, whether it be my outgoing nature, my openness to talk about the 'unmentionable' things, or my sincerity about life. I really stir things up in people's minds, so much so, that they have to "stay away from Allie Pisarro".
If you can't handle the craziness and honesty I have to offer, I absolutely got you. Sometimes I can't, either, but if you don't, it is unnecessary to tell the world that.
ANYWAY, that was just a bit of a rant... [/rant] I've just really been trying to open up to the right people and really learning to trust and be vulnerable in steps. It's been really cool to see this unravel in my life, and I've really appreciated the friends that I do have that support me in that. I can be very negative and black&white, so it shows me one of my distorted thoughts of "I just cant be friends with anyone because no one can deal with me" is false.
MYSELF:
Basically, I really want this time to just be me healing and picking up all the pieces and, with God's help, putting them back together again. I need to make things right, and I need to deal with everything. I need to let certain things go while also letting certain things in. I’m just not ready for romantic stuff right now.
MUSIC:
With that, my music has been going really well recently. I've had a few amazing churches ask me to play my songs in their services (I played at Grace Community in Philly last weekend!), I've been playing coffeehouses (and people there actually know who I am because of my music!), and even Chick-Fil-A (in Neshaminy) asked me to come and play music in their store for the holidays!! How incredible is that?! I've also gotten the chance to lead worship for different ministries, sing at our Ecuador fundraiser events, and even got some money playing at a flea market (I made more money playing than selling!!).
God has given me such huge opportunities that I NEED to take advantage of! These could jump-start whatever career I end up hopefully having in music, and it has given me such a chance for outreach and ministry. With my focus off of relationships with guys, I have much more time to write, sing, and find inspiration in God!
There are more exciting things that I can write about in this category, but I'll just stick with telling you to keep checking out my youtube & Facebook musician page for details.
NEXT MISSION TRIP:
In only a month and a half, I will be traveling to Ecuador with the best team I have ever been on for two weeks. We will be doing a variety of things like working with kids, going to orphanages, and doing service projects. Our team consists of two leaders and six students. We are intimate, personal, and have spent so much time together I consider them family. We have done multiple fundraisers together, and each one has not only been a huge success (raising over $600), but we have all become so close. I’m MORE than excited for this trip, but we still have lots of prepping!!
My counselor asked me, “Allie, what do you hope to get out of this?” Well, in the end, I’d like to feel accomplished. I’d like to know that if anything were to happen, I’d be ready for it. It’s almost like I’m in training, and this is a good motivation for me to get refocused. I want to spend this time becoming who I want [and need] to be.
When Celeste first told me about this fast, I was like, “no way!”, but for some reason, three months later, I just felt like I needed it. I guess it was a God thing! I’m just in a place where I’d really like to figure out who I am with no distractions and an official reason to give myself this time… to myself!
Celeste gave me some pretty specific boundaries she set, so I’m going to try my hardest to keep them. I really just want to stay away from any kind of dating relationship for the next six months.
I will hopefully be updating you weekly, if not daily, on my progress & most likely loss of strength (hahaha) during the process. I hope you’ll go on this journey with me by reading my blog and keeping this challenge in your prayers. I’m ready to see what He’ll teach me…
Okay, God… Here we go…
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